tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42197813415220571072023-11-16T06:03:14.595-05:00Mommy Needs BalanceJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-37124311332119986952021-05-18T14:51:00.001-04:002021-05-18T14:51:23.302-04:00Moving on<p> So needless to say the number of months that pass between my entries here have been getting longer and longer as the years have passed. I started this blog as a way to flex my creative muscles, and in an attempt to talk myself into balance. Life has changed so much since those first posts - and I've discovered that balance means different things to different people.</p><p>For me, finding balance has been about slowing down and focusing on what is really important. Not gonna lie - the combination of some life altering medical issues and Covid have forced a sense of balance that I didn't know existed. In fact, it has changed my perception of balance. I can't do everything well - and trying puts me so off kilter that I feel like I'm stumbling around. So I need to focus on a few things - the few things that I have deemed the most important. Family, friends, me time. That's it. Everything else is a choice I'm making and I have stopped making choices based on "I should". Those choices always come at the expense of my mental balance, and I refuse to feel any more off kilter than I need to.</p><p>I wish I could say I lived in this mindset always, but that would be a lie. I try really hard to get there most days. But there are some, and I can't even tell you why, where this whole zen mindset feels like a sham. Those days I embrace it, I tell everyone around me the way I feel for that day, I usually have a glass of wine and I zone out. I am forever grateful that those around me understand, and that those days seem to be getting fewer and fewer.</p><p>Now to the moving on. I've always believed in manifestation...putting out into the world what you want to happen. I believe it will come - it can take its sweet time and the route is not always a straight line, but it will come. So here is what I am choosing to put out into the world:</p><p>I am done being sick; I am done with procedures; I am ready to be healthy and get my life back on a track that is of my choosing.</p><p>Even when I write it out it sounds cheesy, but honestly I've felt sick for so long that I need to just say it to move on. I don't expect to feel 100% overnight, but I am expecting that I can find something each day to say "this was better today". By far, the hardest thing will be trying to think of myself as not sick - in fact I think that is the hardest for both hubby and I. As much as I worry about every head pain, he worries ten fold. So both of us will just have to trust that the universe is finally going to cut us a break and let us just move forward. That, my friends, will take some time. And, luckily, time is what I have these days.</p><p>Just a side note - nothing happens overnight. My anxiety, the stress of the insanity lately, the fatigue, the blah days - all of those things still exist. And sometimes, no matter what I do they get the best of me. And that is ok. I have to remember that it's ok...because I'm pretty sure that is the only way that my attempt to move on will be successful.</p><p>A huge thanks to everyone who has seen me through this curveball - I appreciate each and every one of you. </p><p>I do want to make sure I single out hubby. Honestly, this man was thrown in to the deep end on a bunch of fronts and he is still standing. Best part...we are standing together. Us against the world babe - thank you for reminding me of that when I need it. As we say - we got this. And if we don't, we'll just say fuck it and find another path we can walk together. I love you more than I ever thought possible.</p><p>I likely won't be back to blog here anymore. I may start one that is looking forward - but only if it fits into my balance. Thank you for following me here.</p><p>J</p>Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-62569378124448263342020-11-09T10:49:00.000-05:002020-11-09T10:49:06.683-05:00I HATE November 8th!<p> Well the title says it all...I truly dislike November 8th. I have tried to do things that make me happy on that day to try and get rid of my distaste for it, but it hasn't worked. November should be a good month - it's my birthday month, the month before Christmas and the weather usually cooperates. It's also the month that I was officially diagnosed with Breast Cancer.</p><p>Three years. It's been three years since my roller coaster started; three years since I've felt carefree; three years since I've gone to a doctors appointment and not had a panic attack about what they will say; three years since I've had a weird pain and not worried that it was more than just a normal ache; three years sine I've felt settled and comfortable in my skin; three years since I've felt like me. </p><p>But here is the kicker - my roller coaster has not just been about my cancer diagnosis. That was just the day that kicked off this three years of weirdness. It feels like once every year, something happens that makes all the anxiety I feel about my health bubble up again. In three years I've had the big C (surgery and chemo), a craniotomy to have a brain tumor removed, a ruptured brain aneurysm and the discovery of a second aneurysm I have to have dealt with. I actually had a doctor say "Wow you've had alot of things in a short time that could have been tragic"...ya thanks doc!!</p><p>The aneuryms were the most recent, and oddly the most difficult for me. Harder than surgeries, harder than chemo, harder than the fog they have both created. Why you ask?? Because it was completely unexpected. It caught us all off guard - and all my fears and panic over the last three years came to a head. It was something that we couldn't plan for and we couldn't talk about the outcome of. It scared the shit out of me (and those around me I'm told). If you are wondering how you know if you have a brain bleed, trust me you will know. It felt like a major league slugger wound up and hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. And then I remember little - except having to be in the hospital for 20 days for observation. Was the least fun experience I have ever had.</p><p>So now I have to try not to have my anxiety sky rocket every time I have a pain in my head, or a panic attack every time I feel like I just can't do anything else cause I'm so tired. And I now have to actually admit that alot has happened and the time I need to recuperate cannot be measured. My body and my brain still have days where they are like NOPE...not doing anything productive today; they have days where they are angry (I don't know if that is an official medical term but the neuro guys used it often to describe my brain). Days where I literally could sleep or zone out for 12 hours straight. That may not be practical, but I'm learning that if I don't listen to what my body and head tell me, the following days are not very much fun. </p><p>So here is my plan. I have recently re-discovered my love for crafting so I will spend more time in my craft room because it calms me. I will not sweat the small stuff. I will try REALLY hard to keep my anxiety in check and not let it define me - but I will not suppress it if it does come. I will continue to try and focus on the things that are really important...family, friends and trying to smile every day. And on the days when I can't feel like I can function, I won't. I will curl up with a book or a movie, or just crawl into my bed and sleep. And I will not feel one ounce of guilt doing it, nor will I feel like I need to explain it to people. This is no one's roller coaster but mine (although I appreciate those that come along for the ride with me LOL). </p><p>November 8th will still bear the brunt of my hate cause it was the start of the craziness - plus I don't want to have to hate more than one day a year. But on November 9th I'll pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other - unless I'm tired then you will find me napping :-)</p><p>As an aside, please don't feel sorry for me. I have a ton in my life that I am grateful for. A husband who didn't ask for the crazy, but has been through it all with me and continues to make me laugh; kids who are happy and healthy and who are becoming more amazing young ladies with every day that passes; family that literally drops everything when they get a call that we need help and that help hold me together when I need it; friends that I honestly consider family and could not do without. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have so many good people in my life, but I will hold tightly to every one of them and work to never take them for granted. My life is good but just has a few speedbumps along the way. But that's ok - it keeps life interesting. But if the universe is listening, I'd really like a boring life for a little while please.</p><p>Take care all....<br />J</p>Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-88455047271501365052020-01-27T13:28:00.001-05:002020-01-27T13:28:17.878-05:00Masks we wearIt's been a couple of months since I popped in here. I went back and re-read my last post, and really wish I could say that all the angst that was there is gone. In short, it's not. I truly cannot believe how long all this stuff is hanging on. The good news is I have gotten better about voicing when I need space, and about saying no if I just can't muster the energy to go out. <br />
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What has hit me more in the last couple of months is the look I get from people when I tell them I am not yet back at work. I always get "but you look fine". If you want to make someone going through mental illness agitated, tell them they look fine. On top of feeling like you have to explain, the feelings of guilt associated with not being whole yet set in at a whole new level. For me, what I wish people would understand is that I've become a master of faking it. I can slap a smile on my face and head out for dinner; I can cheer at my daughter's cheerleading practices and competitions; I can keep things in order most of the time as long as I have a list; I can hide the days that make this whole thing the hardest thing I've ever been through.<br />
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What people don't see are the days when a panic attack takes over and I literally have to call my husband just to talk me down; they don't see the multitude of tears that are shed because I'm tired of dealing with this shit or for no reason at all; they don't experience the wrath of my short fuse or swing of emotions; they don't see me struggle to get up the stairs because my joints feel like they are on fire all the time; they don't see that smiling daily sometimes doesn't happen - because I fake it. I'm not looking for sympathy (in fact please don't feel sorry for me), but I want people to understand why the phrase "you look fine" upsets me.<br />
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The thing is, I'm tired of feeling guilty or trying to explain when people don't get why I say I'm not ok. I don't owe anyone an explanation cause, honestly, the people that see me daily do see me with my mask off. My husband is a rockstar - he gets it and just hugs me (or leaves me alone - he can tell when to do which) until the crazy has passed. My kids have come to understand that most time my short fuse doesn't have to do with them (apologies go a long way in making sure they know it's not about them).<br />
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Even with the cuckoo that can take over, I am trying. I have, however, gotten a new perspective. I was the person that always said "just decide to be happy" or "don't stress about things that are our of your control or that you cannot change". Man I must have sounded like an idiot to those I was saying it to. I have tried getting up in the morning and "deciding" to be happy; I've tried meditating to let go of the things I cannot control; I've tried shaking off the feelings of inadequacy, I've tried just moving on and applying the tricks that help discover the new me (also decided I hate that term). You know what happens when I try to do this? I feel worse cause it doesn't work and I spiral. Then I get mad cause I'm like WTF is wrong with me?? For me, right now, this doesn't work.<br />
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Having said all this, things seem to be a little bit better. Headaches are still a thing; memory loss is still a thing; pain is sticking around; concentration and retention of information are nowhere to be found; fatigue has set up camp in my bones; the feeling of meh persists. But I did find myself sitting around the dinner table laughing while my kiddos danced and hubby told stories. Seems like a small thing, but laughing made me feel a tiny bit normal. I think moving forward I will put myself in situations where laughter prevails - and the tears become tears of joy. Fingers crossed!!<br />
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Thanks for everyone who listens to (or reads) my rants. It is appreciated and it does help me :-) With any luck, they will turn into "I'm ready to take on the world" posts in the near future - although my next post may be lots of reminiscing about my babies - I'll be sending my oldest off to university in September and I already feel verklempt.<br />
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JJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-79922511229946731642019-11-06T20:40:00.000-05:002019-11-06T20:40:19.959-05:00This time of year...Hey all! So this will be more like a brain dump that a well thought out post - I feel like I just need to get it out. Maybe that is the first step to truly moving on. <br />
Two things: <br />
1. No one panic - everything is fine medically<br />
2. There will be some swearing so apologizing in advance<br />
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Here goes - I fucking hate November. Is it possible to truly regret the onset of a month? To physically want to punch it right in the face?? That's how I feel. I used to like month 11 - it's my birthday month (which inevitably meant time with friends and a few cocktails); it was the calm before the lead up to the craziness of Christmas, and it was usually the month where we got a light dusting of snow that made everything look like a story book. It was a good month!<br />
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Then the cancer diagnosis had to go and fucking ruin it. For the second year in a row, I feel like I need to cower as the month comes closer. I want to just stick my head in the sand - it actually crossed my mind that if I went to a different time zone I could delay the onset. But no matter what I did it came anyway LOL And of course this month was when I had my 3 month follow up with the neurosurgeon. I wasn't expecting anything to be wrong - but then again I wasn't expecting breast cancer either. That little voice in the back of my head kept me wondering if there wouldn't be something else that showed up. That appointment was today, and happy to report that everything looks good. Back in a year to monitor. You would think that would make me happy - ecstatic really. But I got nothing. I felt relieved for sure, but I didn't get that joyous feeling I expect with good news.<br />
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Was I disappointed I didn't want to shed tears of joy? Yes. Was I surprised? No. These days my emotions have been all over the place. So weird for me...I was always pretty level headed and rarely let my emotions get the better of me in public. I considered myself solid. And now? What is the exact opposite of solid?? My emotions range from feeling nothing to crying - and rarely move to joy. I miss it. I miss feeling light hearted and ready to take on the world. I miss laughing hysterically like I don't have a care in the world. I miss me. I am pissed that she hasn't come back now that everything seems to be mended. What the fuck is she waiting for? I'll roll out the red carpet if that makes her skip back into existence. Just hurry the crap up already!!<br />
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The reality? There are days where the only reason I get out of bed is because I have to drive my kids to school. There are days when it is wayyyy easier to sit and watch mindless TV than to try and engage in conversation. There are days when it takes everything in me to put together a coherent email or text, and I pray that noone calls to talk to me in person - I just cant' do it. So far the last few months, I have cried for no reason; I have walked in to the hospital feeling fine only to have random tears stream down my face; I have had multiple panic attacks that I cannot attribute to anything specific; I have yelled and lost my mind with the people I love and I can't explain to them why. I have said out loud that I can't do this (not sure what this is, but in that moment this is everything). I have tried to engage in things only to feel like a failure because I don't want to be there. My reality right now isn't me - but I am living it. Such a mind fuck.<br />
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I have been told I need to just take the time I need. That the symptoms of PTSD need time to be dealt with. It has taken me some time to recognize what is going on for what it is. Someone put it into perspective for me recently. They reminded me that in the last 18 months I've had to deal with two traumatic events that, at their worst, could have turned out way differntly than it did. And I use the term "deal" in the lightest way. I haven't dealt with anything. I've been faking my way through things and trying to wish being ok into reality. And I've been feeling guilty for having to fake my way through. I have so much more that some others - family and friends that never waiver and hold me up always; a roof over my head and food on my table; prescriptions and medical care covered so I don't have to worry. All that is missing is me. The real me. The new me. Whatever the fuck that she.<br />
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Don't have it figured out yet, and I am working on it. I'm relying on my medical team to help me get through this part as awesomely as they helped me get through the physical part. I am going to continue to lean on family and friends - please be patient with me. There are time where my smile will look fake, or when I say I just don't have the energy to be there. Keep asking please. In the (hopefully) near future, some version of me will emerge. This version will be a fiercely loyal friend who has a new perspective on what is important; this version will want to laugh until her sides hurt; this version may want to go for a few cocktails just to feel giddy; this version will be ready to take on the world and whatever it throws at her. She's just not here yet. But she is coming - that I promise.<br />
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Thank you again to everyone for support and love. It means the world. For now I will spend my energy on looking forward, but living in the present. I will do everything in my power to make this new me fucking fabulous. Watch out world - or at least watch out family and friends LOL.<br />
<br />
JJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-51320092850312302952019-07-17T14:07:00.000-04:002019-07-17T14:07:04.950-04:00Just a quick check in!Hi everyone!<br />
Wanted to check in quickly and thank everyone for the positive vibes being sent my way - they seem to have done the trick. Brain surgery was on Thursday, and I was sleeping in my own bed by Sunday night. I have marvelled at every step what the body is capable of. Who would have thunk that 3 nights after cutting open my skull I would be sleeping on my own pillow...so weird.<br />
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Goes with what I was told though - this one went off without a real hitch. The hardest part was moving for 2 nights while connected to the leads that monitored my health. I couldn't move, couldn't walk, couldn't sleep. Day 2 was the hardest - nauseous (expected), mild headache (expected), elevated blood pressure (not expected but not terrible). Once that night passed, I started feeling immensely better. Got disconnected on Saturday and was able to move from bed to chair (YAY freedom!!). The hard part after that was the boredom. I never actually got into a room which meant I spent time in the OR recovery space. No phone, no TV, no visitors - moving from bed to chair at a snailspeed pace. So when the offer to go home on Sunday came I jumped at it. Immediately felt better!<br />
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Not to say wasn't scared out of my mind. Home on day 4??? Was this normal? Would it be ok? Truth is it absolutely would because I have a rockstar of a hubby who had everything under control even when I was freaking out a bit. So here I sit - today is the first day where I feel tired and in a bit of pain. Pain is a weird thing though...my last 2 surgeries were way worse in terms of recovery. This one I'm on regualr Tylenol and just have to remember not to move my head too quit. The most annoying part is the staples in my head that I sometimes forget are there. Get them out at the end of the month, then a follow up. That's it. Well we wait for the pathology results to make sure its nothing but the surgeon has already said he is confident so going with that!!<br />
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For now I'm taking the summer to recover, reconnect with me, family and friends, and to figure out what is next. I figure the last 2 years counts as my share, and it's done for awhile so I'm going to go with that.<br />
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As for everything else, I am thankful for technology so I can keep up to date with my girl who is in Ireland doing summer school. She is pretty stressed about completing everything, but in my eyes she is amazing. At 16 she headed to a foreign country for 4 weeks, knowing no one who was going. She is homesick and hates not being here, but I know she is enjoying pieces of it. I know she will thank us that she got to go, and I know I'm super jealous I can't be there. Will live vicariously through her for now. And will remind her everyday that she's got this - I will believe for her. And hell...if she doesn't get the mark she wants she has options - but she will never forget her first trip to the green hills. I admire her - and if she can do that, I can recover so when she gets home we can talk all night :-)<br />
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Cheers everyone!<br />
JJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-64226047768848438692019-07-10T08:54:00.001-04:002019-07-10T08:54:28.468-04:00What a week!This week has already been an eventful one. I sent my oldest off on an amazing adventure (for the record I already miss her like crazy). She is gone to do summer school in Ireland - we figured if she was choosing to reach ahead and get her Grade 12 English credit, she might as well do it in Ireland :-)<br />
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Sending her through security at the airport was hard, but at her request I did not cry. I watched her walk through with confidence and chatting with the friends she had just met, and all I felt was pride. Man this girl has come far...from the kid who I worried about constantly to this young woman who is tackling everything she has to head on. I can't wait to hear all her stories when she is back in August!<br />
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Now for the part that I'm starting to freak out about - surgery is Thursday. It has really been surreal up until now. I never really processed that they were going to open my skull and remove something from my brain. Even saying "brain surgery" was something I could not do with ease.<br />
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People have been asking me how I am doing. I have been answering them honestly with "I'm fine; it will all be ok" - I really am fine. I have felt calm about it all, and trust that the docs know what they are doing. But this morning it really hit me. It is taking everything in me to keep the panic at bay - lots of deep breaths and "you got this" mutterings in my head. I am staying in control cause, to be honest, I'm afraid that once I really start to process it I will get completely overwhelmed.<br />
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I do believe that everything will be fine - I'm in the best hands I can be in. I've been told what the recovery is like, and it doesn't sound too bad. And I'm keeping a positive attitude because I believe that it helps. And I have LOTS of support around me. So really I am fine - but truth be told I am scared shitless about tomorrow. Today is the first day the emotion of it all is sitting right under the surface - and I'm not sure I can keep it in check the whole day. I am sure tonight will be a sleepless one, and I will likely lose it at some point. If you happen to witness me starting to lose it, just give me a hug. Or even better do something to make me laugh. Or just stand beside me and know that I really am ok. Gonna take more than this to knock me down!!<br />
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Will be pretty silent for awhile...talk to you all soon!<br />
<br />
JulieJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-65270759530391316472019-06-25T09:15:00.000-04:002019-06-25T09:15:05.512-04:00It's a date!Well...I wish I was referring to a date where we were going away, or something exciting was going to happen. Not that, but it's an important one nonetheless.<br />
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July 11th, 2019<br />
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That's the date that the neurosurgeon will remove this stupid thing in my head, and I can (fingers crossed) just get on with life. It seems every time I hope to "move on" something happens that throws me for a loop. So instead of "moving on" from things, I'm going to embrace them and move forward. Well, maybe not embrace them but at least accept them :-)<br />
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Doc explained the surgery and the first part of the recovery (looks like I'll be in the hospital for 5-6 nights). Not sure what recovery entails after that, but I assume it's just resting to get my strength back and more trips to the doc to make sure things are healing nicely.<br />
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In true Julie fashion, I haven't thought much about the specifics. Every time I start to process the fact that I'm going for brain surgery, I get overwhelmed and shut the thoughts down. Maybe not the healthiest way, but it's how I'm dealing and that's ok. I still haven't really had a meltdown (and haven't shown up on Sonia's porch with Malibu yet) - I do know it's coming. We've been busy so procrastinating has been easy. But it's coming I'm sure. Hopefully it's not in a public place...the cashier at Loblaws may not appreciate a break down in their line up!<br />
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In any case, that's all I've got for now. Going to enjoy the next couple of weeks, then will trust the doctors to do their thing. In reality, that's all I can do. Well that and continue to soak in any good vibes I can find.<br />
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JJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-54800845893306035612019-05-08T13:48:00.001-04:002019-05-08T13:48:34.905-04:00Another Bump in the RoadSo like many, I often struggle with how much to share on social media. I ask myself often if sharing things is good or bad; am I putting too much out there. Then I remember how writing about things helps me cope with what is going on in life - so I'm not questioning anymore. I'm going to share the good, the bad and the ugly and what will be will be :-)<br />
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At my last check in, I talked about dealing (or not dealing) with all the one year markers that had happened. Will admit, still wasn't entirely done coping with all the baggage the cancer journey left in my hands, but I did feel like I was moving forward and getting things somewhat under control.<br />
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I did, however, continue to have these nagging symptoms. Dizziness, headaches, blurry vision, memory gaps, balance issues - all things I attributed to the medication that I was on as part of my continuing cancer treatment. I mentioned them to my oncologist and, in his words "I'm sure it is the medication, but let's send you for a MRI just to make sure - but I am sure it is nothing". To say I no longer trust the words "I'm sure it is nothing" is now an understatement. These are the same words my doctor used before my cancer diagnosis. I had convinced myself it was just part of the recovery process, but went for the MRI anyway.<br />
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I guess I should know by now that if a specialist calls you at 7 PM on a Tuesday night, it's probably not to tell you everything is good. Another one of those calls to add to "moments you remember". So here is the deal - it appears that the cancer is not back. To say this is a huge relief for me would be an understatement. I am genuinely thrilled that is doesn't seem to have spread - one point in the positive column.<br />
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The next part of the call was the kicker. He told me they did find another tumor. I kind of only got snippets of what he said after that - I was standing in the middle of St Laurent shopping centre with my girl and refused to get worked up over it. What I did catch was it is called an meningioma, that 80% of the time they are benign and that a neuro specialist would be in touch. I figured I would have to wait a bit for that call, but I guess once your in the system things move fast. Got a call that Thursday and saw the neurosurgeon the following Wednesday. For that week, I boxed it up and didn't think about it.<br />
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Then came Wednesday - off we went to another doctor. Without all the details, essentially if you've got to get a brain tumor, this is the one you want. He does not believe it is cancer, but will not know for sure until he looks at it under a microscope. So that means he has to go into my brain to remove it (because of where it is, he cannot take a wait and see approach). Is it weird that everyone was excited that this "bump in the road" was only brain surgery and not cancer?? Except hubby - he thought we were all crazy for saying it was good news LOL<br />
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The kids took it like troopers (as they always do), although I admit they both seem a little more stressed these days. Has meant lots of hugs from us to assure them all is ok. I'll take hugs from my teens anytime I can get them!<br />
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As for me, I'm kinda still ignoring it. I still have the symptoms, but I haven't really dealt with the reality yet. I'm sure it will come, especially once I have a surgery date (doc indicated it would be this summer at some point). And I'm really good at procrastinating when I have to deal with the emotional part of all this. I refuse to let the fear of what is coming (known and unknown) take over my daily life. Not gonna lie - I am positive there will be a time where I will yell, cry and I may even throw things. When this happens, I will lean on my family and my circle (heads up to my circle - I may show up on a porch with some Malibu at some point...don't ask questions, just join me :-) ).<br />
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To say hubby and I count our blessings with a little more gusto these days is an understatement. We really don't sweat the small stuff (most of the time), and we fill our time with things we enjoy instead of focusing on the "must do" things. It only took us 20 years of marriage, and a few medical issues to realize doing this is what would make us the most happy.<br />
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I'm sure there will be another post coming before the next step, but for now I'll just take all the good vibes and positive mojo you all can muster. One day at a time...<br />
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J<br />
<br />Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-35447070620619609272019-03-21T11:44:00.000-04:002019-03-21T11:44:54.110-04:00After the "one year"...I didn't realize how long it had been since I sat down to write! I could say it was because I was super busy - but that would be a lie. I could say it was because I was speechless, but those who know me would call me out on that fib too. The real reason?? There have been alot of "one year since..." dates in the last few months and I just truly wanted to ignore them.<br />
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One year since diagnosis; one year since surgery; one year since first treatment; one year of trying to figure things out. One year sounds like a long time - but in reality it isn't long at all, especially when dealing with the last piece.<br />
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So in a nutshell, I avoided thinking about all the one years. On November 8th (one year since diagnosis) hubby and I treated ourselves to a night away. We ate good food, drank good wine, went to the spa - an excellent way to try and re-image that particular date. All the other one years, I didn't give a fleeting thought. OK that's a lie - I gave them a fleeting thought then promptly stuck them in a box and put them aside. I was trying to forget all about them. NEWSFLASH - it didn't work. Did I really think that I could forget about all the craziness of the last year? Pretend that it hadn't changed me? Since my avoidance strategy wasn't working I had to start confronting it all. Blech!!!<br />
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Here is what I learned. It's friggin hard. ALL. OF. IT. Everything about this stupid journey is hard. Mine seems a little easier because of the amazing people that surround me, but don't let the smiles and social media posts fool you. There are still days when it takes all my effort to get up and get dressed. Days when I want to cocoon myself in blankets and Netflix binges, or want to sit in silence because noise is still overwhelming. I really try to limit those days, but they happen. My new life mantra is "you can visit there, but you can't pack up and live there".<br />
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One of the things that bothers me the most is the notion of "one year". I keep thinking what the heck is wrong with me? It's been almost a year since my chemo treatments are finished - why am I not bouncing back and just getting on with life? It seems like a long time to be "dealing with it". And every time I set a date for myself of when I will "be better" and it doesn't happen, I feel like a failure. I know...wah wah wah - but this is my blog and I can wallow if I want LOL<br />
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So how have I dealt? I've gotten help. I'm talking to people who remind me that "one year" isn't that long when you are dealing with a life changing event. That it's ok to say "I'm not ok" and not give any explanations. That it is acceptable to say "I just can't today" and not feel guilty. And that I need to remember that cancer is something that I am dealing with, but it isn't who I am. Did an interesting exercise the other day. I was asked to list all of my accomplishments and all the places I thought I was failing. Every single thing on both lists was from the past 18 months - I'd forgotten to list all the things I had accomplished before diagnosis. Was a bit of a reality check - I realized I'm letting the stupid disease define me. Not what I want. So am working on a mind shift.<br />
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So where am I now? I think I am finally getting the pain under control. Still have days where I feel like my joints are on fire, but they aren't as frequent so I will take the win. Cognitively and mentally is where I still struggle. The fog that I've been experiencing has not gone away, nor has the inability to multi task. I still get very overwhelmed if there are "too many tabs" open in my brain, or if there are too many things going on at once (like I need to walk away overwhelmed). And memory loss - this one is a little scary. Literal black holes in my short term memory. I'm told all of this is normal, and it will get better with time. No one can say how much time, but I'm learning to just leave it fluid - cause it's gonna take the time it takes and I can't change it.<br />
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I still haven't figured out this "revised me" thing. I'm not sure who she is yet. I know my priorities have been solidified; I know my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low; I know I want to revel in things that make me happy; I know I hold everyone I love a whole lot closer; and material things are nice, but are even less important now. I have no idea how all these pieces will fit together to define me moving forward...but I can assure you however she is defined, she will be pretty bad-ass. I am kicking cancer in the teeth after all...that in itself gives me the right to describe myself as bad-ass.<br />
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Keep moving forward...<br />
JJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-25063677572343666142018-06-22T11:06:00.001-04:002018-06-22T11:06:42.938-04:00Keeping it RealSo it's been a bit since my last post - and it was on purpose. I was determined to keep what I put out there positive and light hearted - hoping that by putting out good vibes they would come back my way. And the last month or so I just couldn't do it. I couldn't muster the energy to be bubbly - so I just avoided writing anything down.<br />
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But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I shouldn't share this part? Shouldn't that be part of sharing this journey too? So here I sit, and I'm ready to write. But to be clear, I am not looking for sympathy, and I feel like I've turned a corner with this whole mental part. I'm starting to feel like myself again (most days), and am sure that's a light at the end of the tunnel I see. In my husband's wise words, short term pain (in whatever form that comes) is worth it to be around for 50 more years :-)<br />
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When I finished chemo, I was excited to have that part done with. My circle surprised me at my last treatment and showed up to celebrate with me. I rang the bell, and walked out of the centre determined that I would not be back. The following weeks were weird. There was the fatigue and pain that came with treatment, but those I expected and could handle. The part that threw me was the emotional part. I was a wreck...I was moody all the time, I got angry or I cried for no reason, I didn't feel excited about anything. And I had moments where I just needed to disengage. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to be around people. I just wanted to wallow. Soooo not me - and it freaked me out a bit.<br />
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And here is where I tell you how lucky I am. I have people around me who recognized it, and who balanced their "get your butt out of bed" messages with their "take one day at a time" mantras. And it worked...slowly the part of my brain that was finally registering what I had been through started to open up. I started to see it was ok to have days where I was scared (and believe me I have them - I'm scared about what's next; I'm scared about the cancer coming back; I'm scared about my girls' future; I'm scared I won't figure out my new normal), but that I needed to actively make sure to have days where I look around and enjoy the moments as they come. I know...such a cliche. But I have come to see how important it is and I am working to put it into practice. Having said that, I've also learned that avoiding the bad days is also not helpful - so I deal with them. Sometimes that means a good cry, other times it means punching a pillow. And sometimes it means just letting people tell me it will be ok - and believing them.<br />
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It is a work in progress...and I have no idea how long it will take for me to feel like me again (or what that new me looks like). But I am getting there. As for how I feel, the pain is my joints and bones is still there, most days I feel like I'm 90 years old. Oh and first thing in the morning I'm so stiff that I walk like a penguin - and stairs are not fun. Brain fog is still a real thing, and sensory overload comes at the most inopportune times. But I've done everything I can to prevent this stupid disease from coming back, and this short term crap will be worth it eventually.<br />
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On a happy note, had friends over for dinner this weekend. It was the first time in a really long time that I felt like myself. So I'm in pursuit of more of those moments - and I'm trusting that, while I'm not sure what a new normal looks like, I will get there. And I almost forgot!! My hair is growing back! I have enough now that I've ditched the hats (plus it was wayyyy too hot to wear them). So yay for pixie hair :-) One foot in front of the other....<br />
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JJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-14017594642782739042018-04-16T14:47:00.001-04:002018-04-16T14:47:31.385-04:00Next Step almost done!In my last post, I talked about being almost half done with my chemo treatments. Well here we are a few weeks later, and by this time tomorrow I will be done my last one. If you could see me right now, you would see me jumping up and down, fist pumping - you pick the visual that portrays how happy I am that this part is coming to an end.<br />
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The experience over the last few weeks has been intriguing. While I managed to skip the nausea side effect, and my nails have stayed in tact, the rest of it has been daunting. The fatigue that has set in has been like nothing I have ever experienced. I finally understand the expression bone tired - it's crazy how much I can sleep these days! Oh and the brain fog is the weirdest thing I've experienced. I literally walk around in a fog every day - and multi-tasking has become too much for me to handle. I really hope the fog clears when this is all done - I can't imagine life without the ability to multi task! <br />
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Let's see...what else? Sensory overload. That's also new to me - my brain actually hurts if there are too many things going on or too many noises all at once. No hair - that one was expected but I'm getting tired of wearing hats. Pretty sure I will never wear another hat again when I don't have to! Oh and my taste buds are off. I hate thinking things will taste like one thing only to have them taste like something else. Like wine. Worst thing ever to take a sip of what you know is a good wine that you love and have it literally taste like vinegar. Eventually my taste buds return to normal, but it's annoying.<br />
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So I am happy that this part of treatment is coming to an end and that, hopefully, the side effects will taper off. Not gonna lie though - the next part on my journey to getting well is the one that I've been avoiding. I don't deal well with the emotional/mental part of things (I'm an avoider by nature) - but I'm discovering that this one I can't just compartmentalize and shelve. I'll have to figure out what my new normal is, and how to deal with everything that has happened. Truth be told, I think that freaks me out more than the chemo. But, in the words of a dear friend, if I want to get my mojo back, I'll have to work my way through it - and so I shall :-)<br />
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Thanks again to everyone for your support - it means the world to me and my family. Not sure I'd even be ready to deal with the next part without all the good vibes that have been coming my way. Oh, but before I tackle the heavy stuff, I will have a glass of bubbly to celebrate the end of chemo - that is once my taste buds are back to normal. No point in wasting good bubbly!!Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-60969496563889867752018-03-02T13:04:00.002-05:002018-03-02T13:04:51.757-05:00Superwoman I am not!So a few weeks ago I posted about starting my chemotherapy regimen. I am not gonna lie - although I was scared, I was pretty confident that I could get through it. I was raised to face things head on, and haven't met anything yet that stopped me in my tracks...until now.<br />
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The morning of the treatment I was pretty freaked out, but hubby extraordinaire kept me laughing and sane. Honestly have no idea what I would do without him!! The treatment itself wasn't that bad. Got hooked up to the machine that would pump crap into me, donned my ice mitts and ice booties (that was actually the worst part - ice on my hands and feet for 90 minutes wasn't fun!), and just sat back for 2.5 hours. I thought "this isn't bad!). We left, went for lunch...just a very normal day!<br />
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I actually felt pretty good for the first few days. I have no idea what I was expecting, but I thought the side effects would be immediate; that I would come home and just want to crawl into bed. I was a little more tired, but other than that things were good. Until day 5.<br />
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Day 4 I started to feel a little achy (a common side effect). Still no nausea which was a huge bonus for me, but my bones were really sore. I was determined (my husband used words like stubborn and pig headed) to try not to take any medication for the pain. It wasn't bad, and honestly I was nervous about putting more crap into my system. But by Day 5 I would have taken whatever they wanted to give me by IV. It was awful. Like really awful - pelvis, hips, chest bone pain. It was all normal - but how the heck was I supposed to know that at the time?? I gave in and took the pain meds, and it was way more manageable after that. By day 7, I was pain free and, other than being more tired, felt back to myself.<br />
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Then came Day 14 - my hair started falling out. I knew it was coming, and I wasn't super worried about it - but it knocked the wind out of me when the first clump came out. Got a cute pixie cut, and will hold onto it until I need to shave it completely. Deep breaths have become my habit these days :-)<br />
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Let's be clear...I'm not looking for sympathy. This post was about putting my experience out there and working through things in my own head. I will take one lousy week for 2 weeks of feeling good - I'm lucky in that regard! I have my moments, but truly feel like staying positive through all this is what is helping me cope. I'm sure there are a few more meltdowns coming, but they will be a bump in this journey - they won't define it.<br />
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I'm learning to ask for help more (still a work in progress), and I am crawling into bed when I need to. My family and my circle have been more supportive than I could ever have asked for - lucky in that regard too!<br />
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So treatment number two is next week - and then I'm half done! I know what to expect now, and I am not going to try to be superwoman. Even superwoman needed help every now and then. My help will come from my hubby, my friends and my pain medication - not necessarily in that order LOL.<br />
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Until then, my weekend will be filled with a cheer competition and lots of family time. Exactly how I want to be!<br />
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JJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-49460834954096624542018-02-08T09:54:00.002-05:002018-02-08T09:54:57.167-05:00Here we go...Well look at that...it's been less than 6 months between posts! I must have too much time on my hands LOL<br />
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I want to start by saying thank you for the love and support after my last post. It wasn't easy to write, but I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive vibes I felt at the end of it. So thank you to everyone - and for the record, please keep those vibes coming.<br />
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We are now headed into the next phase of kicking cancer's ass! Last week we discovered that chemotherapy would help reduce the risk of re-occurrence - and believe me when I say I intend to do everything possible to avoid having to go through this again. So on Tuesday we begin a twelve week regimen of pumping necessary toxins into my body (once every 3 weeks). It is by no means ideal, but, in my opinion, is what I need to do to be confident that I've done everything I can.<br />
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Let me be clear - I am not in any way blase about this. I am scared shitless about what is to come. I hate feeling nauseous (which is a real possibility), I hate being achy (which is pretty common), I hate asking for help (which I will need to do), and the fact that I will have no hair (which is likely) is freaking me out. I think that last one is just because then it will be obvious to the world that I'm going through something. I know...sounds ridiculous. But I'm learning that it's ok to voice ridiculous concerns - cause they are mine which makes them real. All I can say is that I'm as ready as I think I will ever be - and it starts today with a visit to my fabulous hairdresser to get a shorter haircut. I'm hoping having less hair to fall out makes it a little more bearable :-)<br />
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As for the rest of it, I can honestly say the part that I was not prepared for is the emotional/mental part. I've always been very good at compartmentalizing things - some call it avoiding, I call it dealing LOL. Going through this takes me to a whole new level of crazy in my head. How am I supposed to go back to "being me"? I don't know what that looks like after going through something like this. But I will get there - and the crazy will never go away (cause let's be honest it was there to start with), but it will get more manageable I'm sure. <br />
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For now, here is what I know for sure: there will be good days and bad ones; I will feel blessed and angry at the same time; I will laugh and cry to deal with fear; I will alternate between wanting to take on the world and curl up in a ball; I will want help and will hate wanting help; I will lean on those around me because I have to; I will beat this stinking disease and come out stronger on the other side. <br />
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But for now, it is truly one day at a time. That is really all I can ask of myself. <br />
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Wish me luck - and continue to throw those positive vibes around. I'll take them xoJulie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-44533035168935482522017-12-28T10:51:00.000-05:002017-12-28T10:51:17.738-05:00Dates that define you<span style="font-family: inherit;">So all my posts start with "I can't believe it's been xx months since I sat down to write". This one is no different...yup it's been awhile - but it's time for me to write this one so here goes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">There are dates in your life that define you; they are ingrained on your heart and are dates you will never forget. They are days that alter your course - and force you to grow and re-think who you are. These are a few of my most life-altering ones:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">July 24 - the day I got married; the day that my best friend and I promised to stay together through thick and thin, through sickness and health</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">October 24 - the day my heart beat outside my body for the first time - the day I became a mom</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">May 28 - the day I knew what it felt like to have my heart grow another size - the day our family became complete with a second little one</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This year I added another date to that list. November 8 - the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Oof...first time I've put that in writing. It's hard to say out loud - even harder to write down. And now that I've written it down, I almost feel like I should stop writing. What else do I say? I can tell you it was hard, but that word isn't strong enough. It was like someone punched me in the gut. I was in my mid-forties and healthy - this didn't happen to my family. I was surreal for a long time, but I will tell you it got real pretty fast.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Telling my family and close friends was hard. To be honest I did most of the telling by text. May sound like a cop out, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud that many times. Telling my girls - well that was gut wrenching. I was supposed to be the one to keep order in their world so they could deal with growing up - and sitting down to tell them was going to blow up their world. I hated that I would be responsible for altering their world in this way, but no way I could keep it from them. Ulisses and I sat them down and gave them the news. In that moment, I saw the type of children I was raising - compassionate, resilient, amazing. There were tears and questions - then they asked what I needed them to do. They asked how they could make things easier; they asked if I needed a hug. I honestly could not have been more proud of them than I was in that moment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">After November 8th, the onslaught of appointments and waiting started. For those who know me, patience is not my forte...the waiting was the hardest part. I just wanted to know what was next so I could deal with it and move on. What made it harder, is every time I thought we had a plan, another test revealed we would need to change the plan. How the hell was I supposed to wrap my head around what needed to be done if it kept changing? That became the hardest part. And believe me there was a lot of swearing during that time - thankful my circle isn't offended by a well placed f-bomb LOL</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I learned to go with the flow (sort of) and trust the amazing doctors and nurses that I had access to. We put together stage one of my treatment plan, and now I'm waiting (again) for results that will determine if there is a stage two of treatment. Oddly enough, I'm not as worried about what's next, and here is why.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have always known how lucky I am to be surrounded by family and a circle of friends who were supportive. We have helped each other through life in a number of ways. But this situation has shown me how truly blessed I am. In fact I have never felt more blessed. Odd to say when I'm in the throws of dealing with cancer, but the circle that has surrounded me during this has made having to deal with it somewhat bearable. Don't get me wrong...I would rather not have to deal with it at all...but given the hand I've been dealt, I'm happy with those I have standing with me as I get through it. To all of you, thank you, thank you, thank you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I need to take a minute to acknowledge hubby. On July 24th, he made a vow to stick with me through sickness and health, but neither one of us could have imagined that this is what lay in front of us. Without him, none of this would have been ok. He hugged me when I was melting down, he held my hand when I was scared about what was next, and he told me I was being ridiculous when I let the crazy get the best of me. He has kept this family running while I am recovering from surgery, and he continues to remind me that this is just a bump in the road...and that together we will deal with whatever life throws at us. What more could I ask for? (oh he also painted our family room, refinished the fireplace and wall mounted a TV - he is my hero)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am lucky...my diagnosis could have been so much worse. I can't imagine those out there who get this news, but discover it is not treatable. It must be devastating, and I am grateful that I did not fall into that category. Mine is treatable, and I will come out the other side stronger than ever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now for my soapbox - ladies please do not skip your mammograms. In fact, ask your doctor if you should have an ultrasound with your mammogram - in my case, the ultrasound is what triggered the biopsy. You will see pink ribbons show up in my social media feed more frequently, and October will have a renewed meaning for me in terms of raising awareness. And you will see my new slogan everywhere - Fight like a Girl. It may even become my next tattoo :-)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I haven't decided yet if I will blog more about this journey - this post has been rolling around in my head for awhile, so I know I needed to write it down. There will probably be more - I just don't promise how frequent.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">J</span>Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-17407736536421357692017-05-06T18:40:00.000-04:002017-05-06T18:40:00.316-04:00Our First trip to Cheerleading WorldsTwo years ago, I didn't even know that there was a Worlds competition for cheerleading - heck I had no idea just how big the cheer world actually was! Now here I am...a couple of years older and way wiser when it comes to cheer LOL. And this year we were able to arrange our spring vacation schedule so that we could watch the two teams that got invited to go to Worlds from <a href="http://blackwidowcheergym.com/" target="_blank">Black Widow Cheer Gym</a> (aka Ally's second home). Truthfully, I think I was just as excited to go as Ally was!<br />
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I heard from others that it was a crazy thing to experience; that the energy was insane, and the atmosphere was like no other. Believe me when I tell you that those statements are absolutely the truth. Thousands of cheerleaders, coaches and their supporters from around the world packed into the ESPN Sports Centre at Disney - awesome!<br />
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We got to the venue early, and headed to the tent where the Black Widow teams would perform. As we walked in, we caught a glimpse of the coaches and the teams - watching Ally's face light up as she spotted them is a image that I will keep forever. It was a mixture of pure joy, awe and excitement - and was the exact reason we even contemplated arranging things so we could be there.<br />
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We watched teams from Japan, Australia, South Africa, Sweden - literally from all over the world. It was pretty cool to think that these were the best of the best from these countries.<br />
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The came the time for BW Love to perform. As I watched this team take the stage, I was a nervous wreck and was teary eyed - and I didn't even have an athlete on the stage! I honestly can't imagine sitting there as a parent watching their child compete on that stage - I'm not sure my heart would be able to handle it. They performed well, and you could feel the BDub pride as they left the stage.<br />
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Next up was BW Ice. This team holds a special place in my heart - they truly are a group of girls I would define as role models. They love their sport, they are committed and hard working, and they never bat an eye when the younger girls want to "help". This was their first time at worlds - they didn't have the run they were hoping for, but heart swelled with pride as I watched them go through their routine. It was a beautiful thing to experience.<br />
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We decided to hang out for the rest of the day (awards were around 3:30 and we figured we'd hang out to see where the teams placed) - we watched other teams, Ally tumbled on the ESPN field and, of course, we picked up some swag.<br />
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Turns out staying allowed us to witness something even more incredible - we were there to watch Love move on to the Worlds Finals. They came top three in Canada - no small feat. For me, I got to watch the parents go beserk when it was announced - and I got to watch Ally cry tears of joy and pride. Absolutely an experience we will not soon forget.<br />
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For me, I'm not sure how else to describe the experience. I've used words like amazing, incredible, proud, excited...all accurate but don't go far enough. I think one of the things that warmed my heart the most (other than watching BW teams do their thing), was how much the coaches and the girls thanked us for coming to watch them. They seemed truly grateful that we were there, and it made the essence of BWFamily even more real. That day, those girls, Ally's reactions - all are things that will be ingrained in my memory for years to come. Pretty sure the only thing that will top this is when I'm back in Orlando to watch Ally compete - I have no doubt one day we will capture the picture below with Ally in her uniform, ready to take on the World :-)<br />
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<br />Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-17050796377902971842017-04-12T07:57:00.002-04:002017-04-12T07:57:44.353-04:00Another Nationals in the books!<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">So if you follow any of my social media accounts, you know that
this past weekend was the National Cheerleading Championships in Niagara Falls
(I posted lots this weekend!). This competition officially marks the end
of the 2016-17 cheer season - and I couldn't let it pass without somekind of a
post :-)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">This year has been
a little crazy - Ally was on 2 cheer teams - a youth level 3 team where she was
a base (SuperYumberry) and a senior level 2 team where she was a flyer
(Freeze). For anyone who is wondering, you hold your breath during every
performance whether they are flying or catching the flyer. Both are
equally as nerve wrecking! And there were challenges that munchkin had to
deal with - a mental block with her tumbling, learning to be a flyer, a concussion
and moments where fatigue took over. Watching her deal with it all was
tough - but I discovered what a tough kid I'm raising. And I discovered
what an amazing gym we are part of -<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><a href="http://blackwidowcheergym.com/" target="_blank">Black Widow Cheer Gym</a><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>helped her through each of these.
They were patient with her block, they pushed her to get over her fear of
flying, they made her sit out until she was truly ready to come back after her
concussion and they reminded her how great she is whenever they saw her
struggling. They also cheered her on loudly every time she needed it.
I know...I'm gushing again, but the coaches at this gym always make me
want to gush. They are awesome!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Now on to
Nationals - 3 jam-packed days of cheer teams from all over Canada vying to
become National champs. For us cheer parents, it means 12 hour days at
the venues listening to cheer music in two and a half minute counts; it means
heading to the swag area to load up on Nationals gear; it means lots of hairspray
and blue glittery eye shadow; it means pep talks, hugs and lots of pictures; it
means holding our breaths while they are on the mat; it means screaming like
mad when they hit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">For the athletes,
it means taking everything they have worked hard for over the past year and
putting it out there, and leaving their hearts on the mat after every
performance (each team performs twice at Nationals). It is a truly crazy
experience to be a part of. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">For Ally, both
runs on day one were not ideal. They worked really hard, but both teams
had bobbles, and it wasn't what they were hoping for. We spent some time
Saturday night chatting about what to do day 2, and then the girls went for a
swim. They needed to just chill out and get ready for Sunday - so that's
what we did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Day 2 was magical.
I cried after both of Ally's teams were done. I hugged every girl I
could find. I jumped up and down on the sidelines, and I lost my voice from
screaming. The first team up was SuperYumberry - and they hit better than
they had all year. They had a zero deduction run, and came off the mat
with their heads held high (well they actually bounced off as 9-12 year olds
do). They ended up placing 6th in a division that was crazy hard!
And this one was extra emotional for me - it was Ally's last time at
Nationals as a youth athlete...so yes I cried.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Then came Freeze -
oy vey! This team went through lots of ups and downs this year, and we
all really wanted them to do well. The girls were fine - the coach and us
team moms were a wreck LOL. They hit the floor - and they nailed it. Like
really nailed it! A zero deduction run for them too - and yes I cried
when they were done. This team came 2nd - was an amazing way to end their
season. Needless to say this mama was drained after Sunday - but I
wouldn't have it any other way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Now comes the
gushing again - I started this post out with saying how amazing BWCG was, and
how awesome the coaches were. I can't tell you enough how over the moon I
am that a friend convinced me to bring Ally there to try it three years ago.
We have found a place where she feels supported, challenged, pushed and
loved. I've watched her grow as an athlete, and this year she started
helping out with the little ones - and I watched her take everything she has
learned from her coaches and impart them on the littles. It made for some
proud mama moments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">And don't get me
started on how amazing the families are. Parents who are as dedicated and
as crazy as I am - and who I now consider part of my circle. And to the
athletes - know that I'm always a cheer mom you can find if you need anything. #BWFamily
is a real thing!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Now on to getting
ready for next season - but first, we get to take Ally to watch Worlds in
Orlando so we can cheer on the two BWCG teams who are there competing.
Truth be told, I'm as excited as she is to watch these girls hit the mat
at the Worlds stage. Bring it on!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-21823469627979928132016-09-12T22:59:00.000-04:002016-09-12T22:59:00.811-04:00Cheerleading at it's finestSo in my last post, I let you in on my approach to blogging - I tend to post when I have to work something out, or I'm feeling particularly sappy. This one falls into the latter category, and - surprise - it has to do with cheerleading.<br />
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So here goes - I'm just back from Ally's cheer practice, and what I witnessed tonight actually made me tear up. And although I didn't need it, tonight reminded me how much I love cheerleading as a sport, how many lessons they learn, and why I am proud to be part of the <a href="http://blackwidowcheergym.com/" target="_blank">Black Widow Cheer Gym</a> family.<br />
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Tonight's practice had some challenges. Some stunt groups had a harder time staying up than others; some girls had to fight hard to get their tumbling passes down. Don't get me wrong - these girls all still did things that make my jaw drop every time I see them - they are truly incredible and I LOVE watching them do what they do.<br />
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What made me tear up tonight was watching the girls in between the stunting and tumbling. I watched them support their team mates after every stunt or pass - they cheered when it was really good, and they yelled out "you got this" to girls that needed a little more encouragement. The feeling at the practice tonight was truly one of "we are a team, and we will do great things together". I watched them stand with their arms around each other, I heard them quietly encourage each other. As a parent, I watched them do all the things I want them to do as part of a team, and as good people. It was amazing.<br />
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Then I watched the coaches. I watched the coaches treat them as the athletes they expect them to be. They pushed the girls when the needed it, and stood back and let them work through things when they needed that. They shook their heads when it wasn't right (and made them do it again), and yelled praise when the girls hit their skill. At the end of practice, I watched the girls gather for their end of practice huddle. While I couldn't hear the whole pep talk, what I did hear made me even more proud to be part of the Black Widow family. The girls were reminded it was ok to feel stress, to be scared to do something, but that they needed to have a plan to work through that fear and get through the stress. They were reminded that their goal right now was to show progress at each practice, and to trust the coaches, the team and themselves. If they can do that, the season will be a successful one.<br />
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As a parent, what more could I ask for? We have found a sport that munchkin loves, and that teaches her the importance of team work, goal setting and determination. And even better, we have found a place for her to excel at her sport that feels like a family. The coaches encourage, push, challenge and support their athletes every practice. They teach them lessons that extend far beyond the gym. It is truly a fantastic thing to witness.<br />
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So if you ever see a social media post where I use the hashtag #BWFamily, know that I mean it. And if you follow me on social media, you know that there will be *a few* more posts about cheerleading in coming months. You have been warned :-)<br />
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<br />Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-12327569586657225272016-07-05T15:05:00.000-04:002016-07-05T15:05:53.412-04:00Dealing with self-doubtSo first, can I please just start off with a Woo-Hoo! It's summer break and, while I do not have the luxury of taking the summer off, I officially do not have to make any more lunches. Girls are on their own to plan and prep for lunch, including when they go to camp. I could not be happier...well that's not true. I would be happier if I was lounging by a pool for the summer, but I will take the small win LOL<br />
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No on to the reason for the post. I tend to write when I have things I need to work through, or when I have an a-ha moment, or when I'm feeling super proud and/or sappy. There is a little bit of all of this in this one...bear with me.<br />
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I've written lots about how my munchkin is dedicated, hard working, sets her goals and makes it her mission to achieve them. I could not be prouder than when I watch her get "that look" - the one she gets when she's about ready to take on the world and smash through whatever target she has set for herself. I've discovered, though, that there is a flip side.<br />
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She comes across as this super confident, ready to take on the world, full of smiles kid - and for the most part she is. There are moments, however, that I can see this little girl who seems scared; a little girl who is wondering if she is good enough, if she will be able to smash through that target goal. Those moments - the ones where I know she is battling that little voice we have all lived with that makes us second guess how good we are - those moments are the ones that break my heart.<br />
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Here's the thing - right now the doubt that is plaguing her is related to something she loves - cheer - and that is making it worse. She is working so hard, and is so focussed on being a better tumbler, a more flexible flyer, a stronger base that I think she is wondering if she will ever get to where she wants to be. Aiming for a perfect tumbling pass, a perfect scorpion, a perfect stunt is a lot to ask of a kid - and it is certainly a lot for her to ask of herself. And because she has accomplished many of her goals this year (moving to level 3, becoming a flyer) she is worried it will slip away if she doesn't hit that unattainable perfection. Hard to watch her struggle, but truth is I get it. It took me a long time to realize that it was ok to doubt yourself, as long as you didn't let it take over. Here's hoping I can convince her of that.<br />
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I wish I had a magic wand and I could silence that voice, or a magic mirror so she could see herself as I see her. Brave, strong, determined, sassy, caring, talented...but I don't. I have to stand back and watch her try and work through it, and just be there for hugs and reminders that she is amazing. Those I can give in abundance. And, with any luck, that voice she hears will turn into one of "I can do anything. I believe I can so I will". Fingers crossed...Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-18274044627458452932016-06-01T14:28:00.000-04:002016-06-01T14:28:15.159-04:00Lessons I Learned from my DaughtersSo I've spent years imparting wisdom on my kids - hopefully wisdom that they will carry and that will help them get through life a little smarter than me. Every once in a while, when I really stop and think about it, I realize they are teaching me every day too.<br />
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In the past two week, my girls have each taught me something important - and this morning I took a few minutes to make sure they knew that they did. I reminded them that even parents can learn from things happening around them - and I vow to remind them more often about I learn from them. Thought I would share their lessons...<br />
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<strong>1. From Ally: Hard work, focus and determination can get you to where you want to be</strong><br />
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Often I find that we look around and think others have gotten where they are because they are lucky or because they caught a break. We forget that, most times, people get places because they have set a goal, focussed on what they want, and put in the work required to get there. It isn't about being in the right place at the right time - it's about creating the right place and right time by putting in the work.<br />
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I watched my girl set her sights on what she wanted, work her tail off to up her skills and she was rewarded with the team placement she wanted at the cheer gym. Her focus and determination to achieve the goals she set for herself we amazing to watch. Here is this 11-year old who has figured out that to get to where you want to be, you have to put in the effort. Reminded me that, as adults, we don't need to have it all figured out...but we do need to know where we want to end up and have our decisions get us closer to that. Whether it is getting more fit, wanting a promotion, being a better friend - whatever it is, if you put effort towards it you can make it happen.<br />
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<strong>2. From Marianna: You should step outside of your comfort zone every once in a while - you may like it!</strong><br />
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This year we were trying to find something different for Marianna to do as an extra curricular activity. We came across an improv class that fit with our schedule and, after some convincing, she decided to give it a shot. So my introverted, shy girl decided to get up in front of an audience and perform. She wasn't sure she would be able to do the "thinking on your feet" part of improv, but she decided to give it a shot anyway. And you know what? She loved it!! She met a great group of people who supported her and she got really comfortable performing. So much so, she has decided she wants to more things where she gets to be on a stage (singing, plays and more improv).<br />
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During this, her confidence has gone up, she has figured out "who she is" (at least for now) and she has found a passion that she can do outside of school. All this because she decided to not to stay stuck in her comfort zone - in fact her comfort zone has grown. It has taught me that in order to grow, we need to put ourselves out there. We need to try new things and we need to not get bogged down in the fear of failing. This one is a hard one for me...but if she can do it so can I!<br />
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So bottom line - let your kids teach you. Learn from them, and let them know what you are taking away from the things they are trying. Shows them life is all about continuous learning - and they get a kick out of realizing parents don't really know everything LOL<br />
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Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-44867956036825578902016-04-19T12:16:00.001-04:002016-04-19T12:16:54.362-04:00A Shout Out to my FriendsI have written a bunch of posts about how great my circle is...I have supportive, funny friends who keep me grounded and remind me of what is really important in life. Whether I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or just someone to listen to me vent, they have me covered. I've surrounded myself with people who are willing to put up with my craziness and for that I am very grateful.<br />
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Lately these friends (and a few new ones) have been encouraging me on my way to getting back my mojo when it comes to working out and getting healthy. While I truly appreciate it, after 2 days of back to back exercise (legs specifically), I'm wondering if these same friends are grooming me to be the slowest of the pack if there is ever a zombie apocalypse.<br />
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I owe a thank you to Sonia who gave me the kick in the butt I needed to get out for a run on Sunday. And I owe a thank you to Jenn for lending me the 21-day Fix program to try (the first workout I did last night). What I wasn't counting on was my inability to walk this morning. I am most certain that if zombies appeared and started chasing me, even my adrenaline would not convince my legs they could run with no pain right now LOL Not gonna lie...I sort of missed the feeling that comes after knowing you have put your muscles through something strenuous enough that they hurt the next day. Sort of - getting in and out of my chair today is proving challenging!<br />
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In all seriousness, thank you to my circle for always being there to encourage me some days, and yell at me to "just do it" on others. Not sure where I would be without you...and give me a couple of weeks and I won't be the slowest in the pack! <br />
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Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-63301298364556632382016-04-11T19:45:00.004-04:002016-04-11T19:45:36.454-04:00Cheerleading - Nationals weekendSo if you follow me on social media, you are quite aware that this weekend I was in Niagara Falls for the Nationals Cheerleading competition (quite sure I broke every social media rule with the number of posts per day - not even a little bit sorry!). I could not let the weekend close without acknowledging how proud I am of my munchkin and her teammates.<br />
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Will start out by saying that while this post will have me gushing about Ally and RockNPop, my pride extends to every team from <a href="http://blackwidowcheergym.com/" target="_blank">Black Widow Cheer Gym</a> that was there this weekend. I saw each team overcome obstacles to lay down their best performances to date - and the support that this gym shows their athletes deserves to be recognized. It was amazing to watch girls and coaches run from one hall to another just to be sure they caught their teammates in action. Have said it before, and will say it again - I am thrilled to be part of the Black Widow family and look forward to watching the gym continue to support their athletes as they grow.<br />
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As for Ally's team, I cannot begin to gush enough. These girls, who range in age from 8-11, are rock stars. Imagine having to get up on a huge stage in front of hundreds of people, under glaring lights, and perform heart stopping stunts and tumbling - I am not sure I could stand the pressure. These girls not only stood up to it...they thrived. Did I mention they had to do it twice? Yep...twice. And they did amazing both times! They hit every stunt, their tumbling and tosses were on, and they did it all with smiles and sass.<br />
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I also have the privilege of accompanying them during warm ups. It truly gives you a new appreciation for what they go through the minutes leading up to hitting the mat. This weekend, the girls were nervous on Saturday - you could tell during their warm ups. Was a tad bit worried - but I can tell you the exact second their nerves calmed and they remembered how amazing they are. Their coach, Tessa, gave them a pep talk just before they lined up to perform. As she told them how ready they were, how much she adored them and how much she believed in them, you could visibly see their nerves disappear. Their shoulders dropped, they stood taller and their smiles returned. They turned around, grabbed each others hands and walked off with a "we got this" attitude. Did I mention another reason I adore Black Widow - their coaches know exactly what their athletes need and give it to them. Tessa knew they just needed a reminder of how prepared they were, and that they needed to do their job but have fun. After that, they ROCKED their performance.<br />
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And Ally made me cry both times. She focused when she needed to, did her job on the mat, and never stopped smiling - unless of course it was to give a bit of attitude LOL. I have been humbled as I watch how hard she works - she always wants to go to the gym early and is forever begging me for "just 10 more minutes" after practice is done. She is determined to meet the goals she has set for herself - and I could not be prouder to watch her tick them off one by one. And her hard work showed this weekend - she hit all her tumbling and kept her tops up for every stunt. I also watched her deal with a small disappointment. One of the girls hurt her ankle earlier in the day. The coach decided that Ally's group would not do one skill in the second run. Although she was bummed she would be able to do it, when it came time in the routine she teked it like a pro and smiled through it all. Love how she handled the last minute change...that's my girl!<br />
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I wish I could say they placed where they wanted at the end, but even after 2 superb runs they placed 6th (they had a big deduction on the second run for one skill). But you know what...it didn't matter. They walked into the awards ceremony knowing they got a deduction, and still squealed in delight when they found out they placed 6th. The atmosphere was incredible, and the giggling and squealing was contagious (I pretty much had no voice left by Sunday afternoon).<br />
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This was Ally's first trip to Nationals - and I know it is not her last. I can't wait to see what next year brings, both for her personally as an athlete, and for the gym that we consider a second home. As for me, I'm looking forward to a small break...before we start back up again for the 2016-17 season. I say bring it on :-)<br />
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<br />Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-58681754675008307582016-03-30T13:31:00.000-04:002016-03-30T13:31:12.544-04:00Back to blogging - Hurray for Cheer!!So Facebook implemented this "See your Memories" feature - and I love it. I love looking back at old pics and remembering what I was doing at this time in years past. It also means past blog posts have been showing up in my feed...and it reminded me how much I enjoyed writing. So I'm going to try my hand at being a more frequent blogger once again - here is hoping my life if interesting enough to spawn a few posts! So here goes...<br />
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Anyone who knows me knows that part of my life has been taken over by cheerleading. I truly never thought I would be one of those parents to trekked their kids to and from practices frequently, or who travelled on the weekends to competitions or tournaments. Yet here I am - playing taxi to and from practice at least three times a week (twice for practice and once for munchkin to increase her tumbling skills).<br />
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I also signed up to be the team mom this year - means fielding questions, chatting with the coaches and parents, treating the team to little treats before the competitions and corralling the team at competitions (making sure bows are high and in place, glitter is on and uniforms are straight).<br />
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It's busy, but I will let you in on a secret - I love every minute of it. It is so much fun! The team Ally is on is a great bunch of girls - they support each other, giggle lots and work hard. And they do it all for the 2 minutes and 30 seconds they spend showing their stuff at each competition.<br />
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But I don't just love it because I get to watch the kids push themselves - I love it because twice a week I get to hang out with a bunch of really cool cheer moms who love it as much as I do. We laugh, we coach from the sidelines, we gasp when any of the girls falls and we cheer when they stick a stunt. We are the crazies at cheer competitions who scream at the top of our lungs for 2 minutes and 30 seconds, then recoup by the hotel pool (with our red solo cups while the kids swim). Not sure I would be loving cheer life as much if I didn't have this bunch of crazys to pass the time with. <br />
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So just want to say thanks to all the parents who make sitting there night after night fun - you all know who you are :-) Is it weird that I'm already hoping next year munchkin is on a team with moms who are just as cool?? In any case, I'm hoping that, like the girls on the team, the friendships will last past the end of the season...pretty sure I need to organize an event for us soon!<br />
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As a side note, I have no idea what I would do if Ally ever decided she did not want to cheer anymore. Good news is I am pretty sure she is in it for life (she is already talking about making the World's team) - wonder if Black Widow would let me be a cheer mom even if I didn't have a cheerleader there? LOL<br />
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In case there are any of you who want to venture into the world of cheer, you have to come visit <a href="http://blackwidowcheergym.com/" target="_blank">Black Widow Cheer Gym</a> - I promise if you do your child (and you) will be hooked!<br />
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J<br />
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Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-40771985677128342112015-05-20T11:50:00.000-04:002015-05-20T11:50:18.244-04:00Non-scale victoriesSo in my journey to an improved me, I've often relied on the scale to tell me if I was on track. And it's amazing how de-motivating that number can be when it is not going in the direction you want it to go in. I have really tried to not let that silly number determine how my day goes, but it's hard to break out of habits you've had for awhile.<br />
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My amazing boot camp instructor, Liz, shared what she called a "non-scale victory" after one of our sessions. Got me thinking - I need to start looking for other ways to see progress. <br />
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All I can say is Eureka baby...had 2 a-ha moments in the last couple of weeks that have had me realizing how much my hard work is paying off - and neither of them have to do with a number. I had these two dresses hanging in my closet that I loved. Both I bought when the number on the scale was lower than it is now, but I never felt comfortable wearing them - I could just see too much jiggling for me to feel confident in them.<br />
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I pulled both of them out this week to see how long before I could wear them comfortably and boo-yah - they both fit well enough that I wore them! Not naïve over here - still going to push hard to get my body to where I want it to be, but I can't tell you how eye opening it was to realize that the "number I hate to see" is not the only determination of progress.<br />
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I am stronger, I jiggle less and I am pushing my body to do things that a year ago I never would have imagined doing. And I have my boot camp girlie to remind me of how far we have come together in those moments when I forget. I am back to enjoying running, but am loving the way boot camp a couple of times a week just makes me feel stronger. I think I've finally found two things that I love enough to stick with them!!<br />
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Thanks Liz for making boot camp fun (visit her <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/478094452317736/" target="_blank">site</a> if you want to do the June session - she truly rocks) and thanks Sonia for reminding me how awesome we really are. And remember as long as you are having fun, the results (whatever your definition of results is) will come. Find something you love and stick with it - and get a group who can kick you butt when you need it. Makes all the difference in the world.<br />
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Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-59800306028635948712015-04-07T12:50:00.000-04:002015-04-07T12:50:17.886-04:00I've got a case of the "Tomorrows"So I used to be one of those people who would do things tomorrow. I would start exercising regularly tomorrow. I would stop eating chocolate tomorrow. I would eat healthier tomorrow (cause there is left over cheesecake in my fridge). I had the "Tomorrow syndrome". A couple of years ago, I did a mind shift and got rid of my tomorrow thinking. We start things today; we keep going today - that was my new mantra.<br />
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Well fast forward and here I am today caught back up in the tomorrow syndrome. For a couple of months now I've been trying to get my eating back on track - I have caught myself thinking more than once that I would start tomorrow (cause there is a party this weekend and I don't want to limit myself). And there it is...the biggest danger in my journey to getting healthier. I started thinking in absolutes. I have to limit myself to only eating green stuff; I have to exercise an hour every day in order for it to be worth it; I have to eat no sweets. Trust me...this is a trap.<br />
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The only time my mind shift ever worked is when I stopped thinking in limits or absolutes. I trained myself to say "15 minutes is enough if its all I've got to run" or "go ahead and have the cookie but just have one instead of a whole row". What I am remembering is it is about changing the way we live so it becomes second nature, and not about dieting or being the fastest at completing a 5K. It is about health and choices.<br />
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Say it with me...It is about health. And I learned I can be healthy even if I only get out a couple times a week to exercise. I can be healthy even if I splurge on wine and chocolate every once in awhile. And that splurging that one day does not mean I have to "start over tomorrow". It just means I need to remember the reasons I can't have chocolate and wine every day - because it is unhealthy for me NOT because it messes up my diet. In fact, I banned the word diet a long time ago and started thinking in terms of choices. Way better way to think especially when I'm trying to teach healthy bodies to my 2 pre-teen daughters!<br />
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I find when I get to write it out (why I love blogging), it helps me re-focus and get my choices back in line with where I want to be. So here we go...started using MyFitnessPal (thanks Sonia!), boot camp tonight (thanks Liz!), and a full water bottle on my desk. <br />
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We do it today.<br />
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And when I need to, I will go back to my other <a href="http://my2013goal.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">blog</a> to remember all the reasons why the mind shift is a good thing (BTW if you used to follow me there I'm not blogging there anymore - going to just use this one).Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4219781341522057107.post-67683873457994243282015-03-05T11:18:00.002-05:002015-03-05T11:18:33.388-05:00PositivityI've spent quite a bit of time recently chatting with my daughters about the importance of seeing the good in situations and not always defaulting to a negative space. I decided that I was going to practice what I preach and make March my month of positivity. Well, it's March 5th and here is what I know...keeping a positive mindset is not easy.<br />
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I truly envy those people I know who seem to always have a positive outlook. You know who they are - they are always smiling, always saying uplifting things, and the energy that surrounds them makes you feel lighter.<br />
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I really have been trying. I have been waking up in the morning and counting my blessings. I've been trying to focus on all the amazing things and people I have in my life. I have been catching myself before I get into a negative Nelly type mode. I have actively been trying to pull away from negative speak and avoid negative energy. But it is hard. Actually harder than I thought it would be and that surprises me. It takes a lot to re-frame my initial thoughts to make them positive ones. Maybe it's because I am more aware and trying to walk away from negativity, but it feels like there is lots of less than ideal energy floating around. Or maybe because this week has just been a little sucky. Whatever the reason, it's been difficult to wade through it all and keep my promise to make March positive.<br />
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Don't get me wrong...I'm not naïve. It can't always be sunshine and roses - but I do think that how we look at the sky can help determine whether the clouds are passing through or if they are here to stay (wow...that was really deep for me LOL).<br />
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But I won't go back. I will continue to look for the positive in situations, and I will strive to be one of those people who bring good energy with them wherever I go. I know it will be worth it...it will make me happier, healthier and a better person. And it will show my daughters that it can be done. As for the days when I feel like it just can't be done, I'm going to go find one of my friends who seem to have this positivity thing down to a science and just hang with them for a bit. With any luck, it will rub off...and if nothing else I know it will bring a smile to my face.<br />
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Stay positive!Julie Correiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15680792569686796491noreply@blogger.com0