Here we go...

Well look at that...it's been less than 6 months between posts!  I must have too much time on my hands LOL

I want to start by saying thank you for the love and support after my last post.  It wasn't easy to write, but I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive vibes I felt at the end of it.  So thank you to everyone - and for the record, please keep those vibes coming.

We are now headed into the next phase of kicking cancer's ass!  Last week we discovered that chemotherapy would help reduce the risk of re-occurrence - and believe me when I say I intend to do everything possible to avoid having to go through this again.  So on Tuesday we begin a twelve week regimen of pumping necessary toxins into my body (once every 3 weeks).  It is by no means ideal, but, in my opinion, is what I need to do to be confident that I've done everything I can.

Let me be clear - I am not in any way blase about this.  I am scared shitless about what is to come.  I hate feeling nauseous (which is a real possibility), I hate being achy (which is pretty common), I hate asking for help (which I will need to do), and the fact that I will have no hair (which is likely) is freaking me out.   I think that last one is just because then it will be obvious to the world that I'm going through something.  I know...sounds ridiculous.  But I'm learning that it's ok to voice ridiculous concerns - cause they are mine which makes them real.  All I can say is that I'm as ready as I think I will ever be - and it starts today with a visit to my fabulous hairdresser to get a shorter haircut.  I'm hoping having less hair to fall out makes it a little more bearable :-)

As for the rest of it, I can honestly say the part that I was not prepared for is the emotional/mental part.  I've always been very good at compartmentalizing things - some call it avoiding, I call it dealing LOL.  Going through this takes me to a whole new level of crazy in my head.  How am I supposed to go back to "being me"?  I don't know what that looks like after going through something like this.  But I will get there - and the crazy will never go away (cause let's be honest it was there to start with), but it will get more manageable I'm sure. 

For now, here is what I know for sure: there will be good days and bad ones; I will feel blessed and angry at the same time; I will laugh and cry to deal with fear; I will alternate between wanting to take on the world and curl up in a ball; I will want help and will hate wanting help; I will lean on those around me because I have to; I will beat this stinking disease and come out stronger on the other side. 

But for now, it is truly one day at a time.  That is really all I can ask of myself. 

Wish me luck - and continue to throw those positive vibes around.  I'll take them xo