I didn't realize how long it had been since I sat down to write! I could say it was because I was super busy - but that would be a lie. I could say it was because I was speechless, but those who know me would call me out on that fib too. The real reason?? There have been alot of "one year since..." dates in the last few months and I just truly wanted to ignore them.
One year since diagnosis; one year since surgery; one year since first treatment; one year of trying to figure things out. One year sounds like a long time - but in reality it isn't long at all, especially when dealing with the last piece.
So in a nutshell, I avoided thinking about all the one years. On November 8th (one year since diagnosis) hubby and I treated ourselves to a night away. We ate good food, drank good wine, went to the spa - an excellent way to try and re-image that particular date. All the other one years, I didn't give a fleeting thought. OK that's a lie - I gave them a fleeting thought then promptly stuck them in a box and put them aside. I was trying to forget all about them. NEWSFLASH - it didn't work. Did I really think that I could forget about all the craziness of the last year? Pretend that it hadn't changed me? Since my avoidance strategy wasn't working I had to start confronting it all. Blech!!!
Here is what I learned. It's friggin hard. ALL. OF. IT. Everything about this stupid journey is hard. Mine seems a little easier because of the amazing people that surround me, but don't let the smiles and social media posts fool you. There are still days when it takes all my effort to get up and get dressed. Days when I want to cocoon myself in blankets and Netflix binges, or want to sit in silence because noise is still overwhelming. I really try to limit those days, but they happen. My new life mantra is "you can visit there, but you can't pack up and live there".
One of the things that bothers me the most is the notion of "one year". I keep thinking what the heck is wrong with me? It's been almost a year since my chemo treatments are finished - why am I not bouncing back and just getting on with life? It seems like a long time to be "dealing with it". And every time I set a date for myself of when I will "be better" and it doesn't happen, I feel like a failure. I know...wah wah wah - but this is my blog and I can wallow if I want LOL
So how have I dealt? I've gotten help. I'm talking to people who remind me that "one year" isn't that long when you are dealing with a life changing event. That it's ok to say "I'm not ok" and not give any explanations. That it is acceptable to say "I just can't today" and not feel guilty. And that I need to remember that cancer is something that I am dealing with, but it isn't who I am. Did an interesting exercise the other day. I was asked to list all of my accomplishments and all the places I thought I was failing. Every single thing on both lists was from the past 18 months - I'd forgotten to list all the things I had accomplished before diagnosis. Was a bit of a reality check - I realized I'm letting the stupid disease define me. Not what I want. So am working on a mind shift.
So where am I now? I think I am finally getting the pain under control. Still have days where I feel like my joints are on fire, but they aren't as frequent so I will take the win. Cognitively and mentally is where I still struggle. The fog that I've been experiencing has not gone away, nor has the inability to multi task. I still get very overwhelmed if there are "too many tabs" open in my brain, or if there are too many things going on at once (like I need to walk away overwhelmed). And memory loss - this one is a little scary. Literal black holes in my short term memory. I'm told all of this is normal, and it will get better with time. No one can say how much time, but I'm learning to just leave it fluid - cause it's gonna take the time it takes and I can't change it.
I still haven't figured out this "revised me" thing. I'm not sure who she is yet. I know my priorities have been solidified; I know my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low; I know I want to revel in things that make me happy; I know I hold everyone I love a whole lot closer; and material things are nice, but are even less important now. I have no idea how all these pieces will fit together to define me moving forward...but I can assure you however she is defined, she will be pretty bad-ass. I am kicking cancer in the teeth after all...that in itself gives me the right to describe myself as bad-ass.
Keep moving forward...
J
I love you. #badass
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