So like many, I often struggle with how much to share on social media. I ask myself often if sharing things is good or bad; am I putting too much out there. Then I remember how writing about things helps me cope with what is going on in life - so I'm not questioning anymore. I'm going to share the good, the bad and the ugly and what will be will be :-)
At my last check in, I talked about dealing (or not dealing) with all the one year markers that had happened. Will admit, still wasn't entirely done coping with all the baggage the cancer journey left in my hands, but I did feel like I was moving forward and getting things somewhat under control.
I did, however, continue to have these nagging symptoms. Dizziness, headaches, blurry vision, memory gaps, balance issues - all things I attributed to the medication that I was on as part of my continuing cancer treatment. I mentioned them to my oncologist and, in his words "I'm sure it is the medication, but let's send you for a MRI just to make sure - but I am sure it is nothing". To say I no longer trust the words "I'm sure it is nothing" is now an understatement. These are the same words my doctor used before my cancer diagnosis. I had convinced myself it was just part of the recovery process, but went for the MRI anyway.
I guess I should know by now that if a specialist calls you at 7 PM on a Tuesday night, it's probably not to tell you everything is good. Another one of those calls to add to "moments you remember". So here is the deal - it appears that the cancer is not back. To say this is a huge relief for me would be an understatement. I am genuinely thrilled that is doesn't seem to have spread - one point in the positive column.
The next part of the call was the kicker. He told me they did find another tumor. I kind of only got snippets of what he said after that - I was standing in the middle of St Laurent shopping centre with my girl and refused to get worked up over it. What I did catch was it is called an meningioma, that 80% of the time they are benign and that a neuro specialist would be in touch. I figured I would have to wait a bit for that call, but I guess once your in the system things move fast. Got a call that Thursday and saw the neurosurgeon the following Wednesday. For that week, I boxed it up and didn't think about it.
Then came Wednesday - off we went to another doctor. Without all the details, essentially if you've got to get a brain tumor, this is the one you want. He does not believe it is cancer, but will not know for sure until he looks at it under a microscope. So that means he has to go into my brain to remove it (because of where it is, he cannot take a wait and see approach). Is it weird that everyone was excited that this "bump in the road" was only brain surgery and not cancer?? Except hubby - he thought we were all crazy for saying it was good news LOL
The kids took it like troopers (as they always do), although I admit they both seem a little more stressed these days. Has meant lots of hugs from us to assure them all is ok. I'll take hugs from my teens anytime I can get them!
As for me, I'm kinda still ignoring it. I still have the symptoms, but I haven't really dealt with the reality yet. I'm sure it will come, especially once I have a surgery date (doc indicated it would be this summer at some point). And I'm really good at procrastinating when I have to deal with the emotional part of all this. I refuse to let the fear of what is coming (known and unknown) take over my daily life. Not gonna lie - I am positive there will be a time where I will yell, cry and I may even throw things. When this happens, I will lean on my family and my circle (heads up to my circle - I may show up on a porch with some Malibu at some point...don't ask questions, just join me :-) ).
To say hubby and I count our blessings with a little more gusto these days is an understatement. We really don't sweat the small stuff (most of the time), and we fill our time with things we enjoy instead of focusing on the "must do" things. It only took us 20 years of marriage, and a few medical issues to realize doing this is what would make us the most happy.
I'm sure there will be another post coming before the next step, but for now I'll just take all the good vibes and positive mojo you all can muster. One day at a time...
J
