Hey all! So this will be more like a brain dump that a well thought out post - I feel like I just need to get it out. Maybe that is the first step to truly moving on.
Two things:
1. No one panic - everything is fine medically
2. There will be some swearing so apologizing in advance
Here goes - I fucking hate November. Is it possible to truly regret the onset of a month? To physically want to punch it right in the face?? That's how I feel. I used to like month 11 - it's my birthday month (which inevitably meant time with friends and a few cocktails); it was the calm before the lead up to the craziness of Christmas, and it was usually the month where we got a light dusting of snow that made everything look like a story book. It was a good month!
Then the cancer diagnosis had to go and fucking ruin it. For the second year in a row, I feel like I need to cower as the month comes closer. I want to just stick my head in the sand - it actually crossed my mind that if I went to a different time zone I could delay the onset. But no matter what I did it came anyway LOL And of course this month was when I had my 3 month follow up with the neurosurgeon. I wasn't expecting anything to be wrong - but then again I wasn't expecting breast cancer either. That little voice in the back of my head kept me wondering if there wouldn't be something else that showed up. That appointment was today, and happy to report that everything looks good. Back in a year to monitor. You would think that would make me happy - ecstatic really. But I got nothing. I felt relieved for sure, but I didn't get that joyous feeling I expect with good news.
Was I disappointed I didn't want to shed tears of joy? Yes. Was I surprised? No. These days my emotions have been all over the place. So weird for me...I was always pretty level headed and rarely let my emotions get the better of me in public. I considered myself solid. And now? What is the exact opposite of solid?? My emotions range from feeling nothing to crying - and rarely move to joy. I miss it. I miss feeling light hearted and ready to take on the world. I miss laughing hysterically like I don't have a care in the world. I miss me. I am pissed that she hasn't come back now that everything seems to be mended. What the fuck is she waiting for? I'll roll out the red carpet if that makes her skip back into existence. Just hurry the crap up already!!
The reality? There are days where the only reason I get out of bed is because I have to drive my kids to school. There are days when it is wayyyy easier to sit and watch mindless TV than to try and engage in conversation. There are days when it takes everything in me to put together a coherent email or text, and I pray that noone calls to talk to me in person - I just cant' do it. So far the last few months, I have cried for no reason; I have walked in to the hospital feeling fine only to have random tears stream down my face; I have had multiple panic attacks that I cannot attribute to anything specific; I have yelled and lost my mind with the people I love and I can't explain to them why. I have said out loud that I can't do this (not sure what this is, but in that moment this is everything). I have tried to engage in things only to feel like a failure because I don't want to be there. My reality right now isn't me - but I am living it. Such a mind fuck.
I have been told I need to just take the time I need. That the symptoms of PTSD need time to be dealt with. It has taken me some time to recognize what is going on for what it is. Someone put it into perspective for me recently. They reminded me that in the last 18 months I've had to deal with two traumatic events that, at their worst, could have turned out way differntly than it did. And I use the term "deal" in the lightest way. I haven't dealt with anything. I've been faking my way through things and trying to wish being ok into reality. And I've been feeling guilty for having to fake my way through. I have so much more that some others - family and friends that never waiver and hold me up always; a roof over my head and food on my table; prescriptions and medical care covered so I don't have to worry. All that is missing is me. The real me. The new me. Whatever the fuck that she.
Don't have it figured out yet, and I am working on it. I'm relying on my medical team to help me get through this part as awesomely as they helped me get through the physical part. I am going to continue to lean on family and friends - please be patient with me. There are time where my smile will look fake, or when I say I just don't have the energy to be there. Keep asking please. In the (hopefully) near future, some version of me will emerge. This version will be a fiercely loyal friend who has a new perspective on what is important; this version will want to laugh until her sides hurt; this version may want to go for a few cocktails just to feel giddy; this version will be ready to take on the world and whatever it throws at her. She's just not here yet. But she is coming - that I promise.
Thank you again to everyone for support and love. It means the world. For now I will spend my energy on looking forward, but living in the present. I will do everything in my power to make this new me fucking fabulous. Watch out world - or at least watch out family and friends LOL.
J
