So needless to say the number of months that pass between my entries here have been getting longer and longer as the years have passed. I started this blog as a way to flex my creative muscles, and in an attempt to talk myself into balance. Life has changed so much since those first posts - and I've discovered that balance means different things to different people.
For me, finding balance has been about slowing down and focusing on what is really important. Not gonna lie - the combination of some life altering medical issues and Covid have forced a sense of balance that I didn't know existed. In fact, it has changed my perception of balance. I can't do everything well - and trying puts me so off kilter that I feel like I'm stumbling around. So I need to focus on a few things - the few things that I have deemed the most important. Family, friends, me time. That's it. Everything else is a choice I'm making and I have stopped making choices based on "I should". Those choices always come at the expense of my mental balance, and I refuse to feel any more off kilter than I need to.
I wish I could say I lived in this mindset always, but that would be a lie. I try really hard to get there most days. But there are some, and I can't even tell you why, where this whole zen mindset feels like a sham. Those days I embrace it, I tell everyone around me the way I feel for that day, I usually have a glass of wine and I zone out. I am forever grateful that those around me understand, and that those days seem to be getting fewer and fewer.
Now to the moving on. I've always believed in manifestation...putting out into the world what you want to happen. I believe it will come - it can take its sweet time and the route is not always a straight line, but it will come. So here is what I am choosing to put out into the world:
I am done being sick; I am done with procedures; I am ready to be healthy and get my life back on a track that is of my choosing.
Even when I write it out it sounds cheesy, but honestly I've felt sick for so long that I need to just say it to move on. I don't expect to feel 100% overnight, but I am expecting that I can find something each day to say "this was better today". By far, the hardest thing will be trying to think of myself as not sick - in fact I think that is the hardest for both hubby and I. As much as I worry about every head pain, he worries ten fold. So both of us will just have to trust that the universe is finally going to cut us a break and let us just move forward. That, my friends, will take some time. And, luckily, time is what I have these days.
Just a side note - nothing happens overnight. My anxiety, the stress of the insanity lately, the fatigue, the blah days - all of those things still exist. And sometimes, no matter what I do they get the best of me. And that is ok. I have to remember that it's ok...because I'm pretty sure that is the only way that my attempt to move on will be successful.
A huge thanks to everyone who has seen me through this curveball - I appreciate each and every one of you.
I do want to make sure I single out hubby. Honestly, this man was thrown in to the deep end on a bunch of fronts and he is still standing. Best part...we are standing together. Us against the world babe - thank you for reminding me of that when I need it. As we say - we got this. And if we don't, we'll just say fuck it and find another path we can walk together. I love you more than I ever thought possible.
I likely won't be back to blog here anymore. I may start one that is looking forward - but only if it fits into my balance. Thank you for following me here.
J
