Monday, April 16, 2018

Next Step almost done!

In my last post, I talked about being almost half done with my chemo treatments.  Well here we are a few weeks later, and by this time tomorrow I will be done my last one.  If you could see me right now, you would see me jumping up and down, fist pumping - you pick the visual that portrays how happy I am that this part is coming to an end.

The experience over the last few weeks has been intriguing.  While I managed to skip the nausea side effect, and my nails have stayed in tact, the rest of it has been daunting.  The fatigue that has set in has been like nothing I have ever experienced.  I finally understand the expression bone tired - it's crazy how much I can sleep these days!  Oh and the brain fog is the weirdest thing I've experienced.  I literally walk around in a fog every day - and multi-tasking has become too much for me to handle.  I really hope the fog clears when this is all done - I can't imagine life without the ability to multi task! 

Let's see...what else?  Sensory overload.  That's also new to me - my brain actually hurts if there are too many things going on or too many noises all at once.  No hair - that one was expected but I'm getting tired of wearing hats.  Pretty sure I will never wear another hat again when I don't have to!  Oh and my taste buds are off.  I hate thinking things will taste like one thing only to have them taste like something else.  Like wine.  Worst thing ever to take a sip of what you know is a good wine that you love and have it literally taste like vinegar.  Eventually my taste buds return to normal, but it's annoying.

So I am happy that this part of treatment is coming to an end and that, hopefully, the side effects will taper off.  Not gonna lie though - the next part on my journey to getting well is the one that I've been avoiding.  I don't deal well with the emotional/mental part of things (I'm an avoider by nature) - but I'm discovering that this one I can't just compartmentalize and shelve.  I'll have to figure out what my new normal is, and how to deal with everything that has happened.  Truth be told, I think that freaks me out more than the chemo.  But, in the words of a dear friend, if I want to get my mojo back, I'll have to work my way through it - and so I shall :-)

Thanks again to everyone for your support - it means the world to me and my family.  Not sure I'd even be ready to deal with the next part without all the good vibes that have been coming my way.  Oh, but before I tackle the heavy stuff, I will have a glass of bubbly to celebrate the end of chemo - that is once my taste buds are back to normal.  No point in wasting good bubbly!!

Friday, March 2, 2018

Superwoman I am not!

So a few weeks ago I posted about starting my chemotherapy regimen.  I am not gonna lie - although I was scared, I was pretty confident that I could get through it.  I was raised to face things head on, and haven't met anything yet that stopped me in my tracks...until now.

The morning of the treatment I was pretty freaked out, but hubby extraordinaire kept me laughing and sane.  Honestly have no idea what I would do without him!!  The treatment itself wasn't that bad.  Got hooked up to the machine that would pump crap into me, donned my ice mitts and ice booties (that was actually the worst part - ice on my hands and feet for 90 minutes wasn't fun!), and just sat back for 2.5 hours.  I thought "this isn't bad!).  We left, went for lunch...just a very normal day!

I actually felt pretty good for the first few days.  I have no idea what I was expecting, but I thought the side effects would be immediate; that I would come home and just want to crawl into bed.  I was a little more tired, but other than that things were good.  Until day 5.

Day 4 I started to feel a little achy (a common side effect).  Still no nausea which was a huge bonus for me, but my bones were really sore.  I was determined (my husband used words like stubborn and pig headed) to try not to take any medication for the pain.  It wasn't bad, and honestly I was nervous about putting more crap into my system.  But by Day 5 I would have taken whatever they wanted to give me by IV.  It was awful.  Like really awful - pelvis, hips, chest bone pain.  It was all normal - but how the heck was I supposed to know that at the time??  I gave in and took the pain meds, and it was way more manageable after that.  By day 7, I was pain free and, other than being more tired, felt back to myself.

Then came Day 14 - my hair started falling out.  I knew it was coming, and I wasn't super worried about it - but it knocked the wind out of me when the first clump came out.  Got a cute pixie cut, and will hold onto it until I need to shave it completely.  Deep breaths have become my habit these days :-)

Let's be clear...I'm not looking for sympathy.  This post was about putting my experience out there and working through things in my own head.  I will take one lousy week for 2 weeks of feeling good - I'm lucky in that regard!  I have my moments, but truly feel like staying positive through all this is what is helping me cope.  I'm sure there are a few more meltdowns coming, but they will be a bump in this journey - they won't define it.

I'm learning to ask for help more (still a work in progress), and I am crawling into bed when I need to.  My family and my circle have been more supportive than I could ever have asked for - lucky in that regard too!

So treatment number two is next week - and then I'm half done!  I know what to expect now, and I am not going to try to be superwoman.  Even superwoman needed help every now and then.  My help will come from my hubby, my friends and my pain medication - not necessarily in that order LOL.

Until then, my weekend will be filled with a cheer competition and lots of family time.  Exactly how I want to be!


Thursday, February 8, 2018

Here we go...

Well look at's been less than 6 months between posts!  I must have too much time on my hands LOL

I want to start by saying thank you for the love and support after my last post.  It wasn't easy to write, but I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive vibes I felt at the end of it.  So thank you to everyone - and for the record, please keep those vibes coming.

We are now headed into the next phase of kicking cancer's ass!  Last week we discovered that chemotherapy would help reduce the risk of re-occurrence - and believe me when I say I intend to do everything possible to avoid having to go through this again.  So on Tuesday we begin a twelve week regimen of pumping necessary toxins into my body (once every 3 weeks).  It is by no means ideal, but, in my opinion, is what I need to do to be confident that I've done everything I can.

Let me be clear - I am not in any way blase about this.  I am scared shitless about what is to come.  I hate feeling nauseous (which is a real possibility), I hate being achy (which is pretty common), I hate asking for help (which I will need to do), and the fact that I will have no hair (which is likely) is freaking me out.   I think that last one is just because then it will be obvious to the world that I'm going through something.  I know...sounds ridiculous.  But I'm learning that it's ok to voice ridiculous concerns - cause they are mine which makes them real.  All I can say is that I'm as ready as I think I will ever be - and it starts today with a visit to my fabulous hairdresser to get a shorter haircut.  I'm hoping having less hair to fall out makes it a little more bearable :-)

As for the rest of it, I can honestly say the part that I was not prepared for is the emotional/mental part.  I've always been very good at compartmentalizing things - some call it avoiding, I call it dealing LOL.  Going through this takes me to a whole new level of crazy in my head.  How am I supposed to go back to "being me"?  I don't know what that looks like after going through something like this.  But I will get there - and the crazy will never go away (cause let's be honest it was there to start with), but it will get more manageable I'm sure. 

For now, here is what I know for sure: there will be good days and bad ones; I will feel blessed and angry at the same time; I will laugh and cry to deal with fear; I will alternate between wanting to take on the world and curl up in a ball; I will want help and will hate wanting help; I will lean on those around me because I have to; I will beat this stinking disease and come out stronger on the other side. 

But for now, it is truly one day at a time.  That is really all I can ask of myself. 

Wish me luck - and continue to throw those positive vibes around.  I'll take them xo

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Dates that define you

So all my posts start with "I can't believe it's been xx months since I sat down to write".  This one is no different...yup it's been awhile - but it's time for me to write this one so here goes.

There are dates in your life that define you; they are ingrained on your heart and are dates you will never forget.  They are days that alter your course - and force you to grow and re-think who you are.  These are a few of my most life-altering ones:

July 24 - the day I got married; the day that my best friend and I promised to stay together through thick and thin, through sickness and health

October 24 - the day my heart beat outside my body for the first time - the day I became a mom

May 28 - the day I knew what it felt like to have my heart grow another size - the day our family became complete with a second little one

This year I added another date to that list.  November 8 - the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Oof...first time I've put that in writing.  It's hard to say out loud - even harder to write down.  And now that I've written it down, I almost feel like I should stop writing.  What else do I say?  I can tell you it was hard, but that word isn't strong enough.  It was like someone punched me in the gut.  I was in my mid-forties and healthy - this didn't happen to my family.  I was surreal for a long time, but I will tell you it got real pretty fast.

Telling my family and close friends was hard.  To be honest I did most of the telling by text.  May sound like a cop out, but I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud that many times. Telling my girls - well that was gut wrenching.  I was supposed to be the one to keep order in their world so they could deal with growing up - and sitting down to tell them was going to blow up their world.  I hated that I would be responsible for altering their world in this way, but no way I could keep it from them.  Ulisses and I sat them down and gave them the news.  In that moment, I saw the type of children I was raising - compassionate, resilient, amazing.  There were tears and questions - then they asked what I needed them to do.  They asked how they could make things easier;  they asked if I needed a hug.  I honestly could not have been more proud of them than I was in that moment.

After November 8th, the onslaught of appointments and waiting started.  For those who know me, patience is not my forte...the waiting was the hardest part.  I just wanted to know what was next so I could deal with it and move on.  What made it harder, is every time I thought we had a plan, another test revealed we would need to change the plan.  How the hell was I supposed to wrap my head around what needed to be done if it kept changing?  That became the hardest part.  And believe me there was a lot of swearing during that time - thankful my circle isn't offended by a well placed f-bomb LOL

But I learned to go with the flow (sort of) and trust the amazing doctors and nurses that I had access to.  We put together stage one of my treatment plan, and now I'm waiting (again) for results that will determine if there is a stage two of treatment.  Oddly enough, I'm not as worried about what's next, and here is why.

I have always known how lucky I am to be surrounded by family and a circle of friends who were supportive. We have helped each other through life in a number of ways.  But this situation has shown me how truly blessed I am.  In fact I have never felt more blessed.  Odd to say when I'm in the throws of dealing with cancer, but the circle that has surrounded me during this has made having to deal with it somewhat bearable.  Don't get me wrong...I would rather not have to deal with it at all...but given the hand I've been dealt, I'm happy with those I have standing with me as I get through it.  To all of you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I need to take a minute to acknowledge hubby.  On July 24th, he made a vow to stick with me through sickness and health, but neither one of us could have imagined that this is what lay in front of us.  Without him, none of this would have been ok.  He hugged me when I was melting down, he held my hand when I was scared about what was next, and he told me I was being ridiculous when I let the crazy get the best of me.  He has kept this family running while I am recovering from surgery, and he continues to remind me that this is just a bump in the road...and that together we will deal with whatever life throws at us.  What more could I ask for? (oh he also painted our family room, refinished the fireplace and wall mounted a TV - he is my hero)

I am diagnosis could have been so much worse.  I can't imagine those out there who get this news, but discover it is not treatable.  It must be devastating, and I am grateful that I did not fall into that category.  Mine is treatable, and I will come out the other side stronger than ever.

Now for my soapbox - ladies please do not skip your mammograms.  In fact, ask your doctor if you should have an ultrasound with your mammogram - in my case, the ultrasound is what triggered the biopsy.  You will see pink ribbons show up in my social media feed more frequently, and October will have a renewed meaning for me in terms of raising awareness.  And you will see my new slogan everywhere - Fight like a Girl.  It may even become my next tattoo :-)

I haven't decided yet if I will blog more about this journey - this post has been rolling around in my head for awhile, so I know I needed to write it down. There will probably be more - I just don't promise how frequent.


Saturday, May 6, 2017

Our First trip to Cheerleading Worlds

Two years ago, I didn't even know that there was a Worlds competition for cheerleading - heck I had no idea just how big the cheer world actually was!  Now here I am...a couple of years older and way wiser when it comes to cheer LOL.  And this year we were able to arrange our spring vacation schedule so that we could watch the two teams that got invited to go to Worlds from Black Widow Cheer Gym (aka Ally's second home).  Truthfully, I think I was just as excited to go as Ally was!

I heard from others that it was a crazy thing to experience; that the energy was insane, and the atmosphere was like no other.  Believe me when I tell you that those statements are absolutely the truth.  Thousands of cheerleaders, coaches and their supporters from around the world packed into the ESPN Sports Centre at Disney - awesome!

We got to the venue early, and headed to the tent where the Black Widow teams would perform.  As we walked in, we caught a glimpse of the coaches and the teams - watching Ally's face light up as she spotted them is a image that I will keep forever.  It was a mixture of pure joy, awe and excitement - and was the exact reason we even contemplated arranging things so we could be there.

We watched teams from Japan, Australia, South Africa, Sweden - literally from all over the world.  It was pretty cool to think that these were the best of the best from these countries.

The came the time for BW Love to perform.  As I watched this team take the stage, I was a nervous wreck and was teary eyed - and I didn't even have an athlete on the stage!  I honestly can't imagine sitting there as a parent watching their child compete on that stage - I'm not sure my heart would be able to handle it.  They performed well, and you could feel the BDub pride as they left the stage.

Next up was BW Ice.  This team holds a special place in my heart - they truly are a group of girls I would define as role models.  They love their sport, they are committed and hard working, and they never bat an eye when the younger girls want to "help".  This was their first time at worlds - they didn't have the run they were hoping for, but heart swelled with pride as I watched them go through their routine.  It was a beautiful thing to experience.

We decided to hang out for the rest of the day (awards were around 3:30 and we figured we'd hang out to see where the teams placed) - we watched other teams, Ally tumbled on the ESPN field and, of course, we picked up some swag.

Turns out staying allowed us to witness something even more incredible - we were there to watch Love move on to the Worlds Finals.  They came top three in Canada - no small feat.  For me, I got to watch the parents go beserk when it was announced - and I got to watch Ally cry tears of joy and pride. Absolutely an experience we will not soon forget.

For me, I'm not sure how else to describe the experience.  I've used words like amazing, incredible, proud, excited...all accurate but don't go far enough.  I think one of the things that warmed my heart the most (other than watching BW teams do their thing), was how much the coaches and the girls thanked us for coming to watch them.  They seemed truly grateful that we were there, and it made the essence of BWFamily even more real.  That day, those girls, Ally's reactions - all are things that will be ingrained in my memory for years to come.  Pretty sure the only thing that will top this is when I'm back in Orlando to watch Ally compete - I have no doubt one day we will capture the picture below with Ally in her uniform, ready to take on the World :-)

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Another Nationals in the books!

So if you follow any of my social media accounts, you know that this past weekend was the National Cheerleading Championships in Niagara Falls (I posted lots this weekend!).  This competition officially marks the end of the 2016-17 cheer season - and I couldn't let it pass without somekind of a post :-)

This year has been a little crazy - Ally was on 2 cheer teams - a youth level 3 team where she was a base (SuperYumberry) and a senior level 2 team where she was a flyer (Freeze).  For anyone who is wondering, you hold your breath during every performance whether they are flying or catching the flyer.  Both are equally as nerve wrecking!  And there were challenges that munchkin had to deal with - a mental block with her tumbling, learning to be a flyer, a concussion and moments where fatigue took over.  Watching her deal with it all was tough - but I discovered what a tough kid I'm raising.  And I discovered what an amazing gym we are part of - Black Widow Cheer Gym helped her through each of these.  They were patient with her block, they pushed her to get over her fear of flying, they made her sit out until she was truly ready to come back after her concussion and they reminded her how great she is whenever they saw her struggling.  They also cheered her on loudly every time she needed it.  I know...I'm gushing again, but the coaches at this gym always make me want to gush.  They are awesome!

Now on to Nationals - 3 jam-packed days of cheer teams from all over Canada vying to become National champs.  For us cheer parents, it means 12 hour days at the venues listening to cheer music in two and a half minute counts; it means heading to the swag area to load up on Nationals gear; it means lots of hairspray and blue glittery eye shadow; it means pep talks, hugs and lots of pictures; it means holding our breaths while they are on the mat; it means screaming like mad when they hit.

For the athletes, it means taking everything they have worked hard for over the past year and putting it out there, and leaving their hearts on the mat after every performance (each team performs twice at Nationals).  It is a truly crazy experience to be a part of.  

For Ally, both runs on day one were not ideal.  They worked really hard, but both teams had bobbles, and it wasn't what they were hoping for.  We spent some time Saturday night chatting about what to do day 2, and then the girls went for a swim.  They needed to just chill out and get ready for Sunday - so that's what we did.

Day 2 was magical.  I cried after both of Ally's teams were done.  I hugged every girl I could find. I jumped up and down on the sidelines, and I lost my voice from screaming.  The first team up was SuperYumberry - and they hit better than they had all year.  They had a zero deduction run, and came off the mat with their heads held high (well they actually bounced off as 9-12 year olds do).  They ended up placing 6th in a division that was crazy hard!  And this one was extra emotional for me - it was Ally's last time at Nationals as a youth yes I cried.

Then came Freeze - oy vey!  This team went through lots of ups and downs this year, and we all really wanted them to do well.  The girls were fine - the coach and us team moms were a wreck LOL. They hit the floor - and they nailed it.  Like really nailed it!  A zero deduction run for them too - and yes I cried when they were done. This team came 2nd - was an amazing way to end their season.  Needless to say this mama was drained after Sunday - but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now comes the gushing again - I started this post out with saying how amazing BWCG was, and how awesome the coaches were.  I can't tell you enough how over the moon I am that a friend convinced me to bring Ally there to try it three years ago.  We have found a place where she feels supported, challenged, pushed and loved.  I've watched her grow as an athlete, and this year she started helping out with the little ones - and I watched her take everything she has learned from her coaches and impart them on the littles.  It made for some proud mama moments.

And don't get me started on how amazing the families are.  Parents who are as dedicated and as crazy as I am - and who I now consider part of my circle.  And to the athletes - know that I'm always a cheer mom you can find if you need anything.  #BWFamily is a real thing!

Now on to getting ready for next season - but first, we get to take Ally to watch Worlds in Orlando so we can cheer on the two BWCG teams who are there competing.  Truth be told, I'm as excited as she is to watch these girls hit the mat at the Worlds stage.  Bring it on!!

Monday, September 12, 2016

Cheerleading at it's finest

So in my last post, I let you in on my approach to blogging - I tend to post when I have to work something out, or I'm feeling particularly sappy.  This one falls into the latter category, and - surprise - it has to do with cheerleading.

So here goes - I'm just back from Ally's cheer practice, and what I witnessed tonight actually made me tear up.  And although I didn't need it, tonight reminded me how much I love cheerleading as a sport, how many lessons they learn, and why I am proud to be part of the Black Widow Cheer Gym family.

Tonight's practice had some challenges.  Some stunt groups had a harder time staying up than others; some girls had to fight hard to get their tumbling passes down.  Don't get me wrong - these girls all still did things that make my jaw drop every time I see them - they are truly incredible and I LOVE watching them do what they do.

What made me tear up tonight was watching the girls in between the stunting and tumbling.  I watched them support their team mates after every stunt or pass - they cheered when it was really good, and they yelled out "you got this" to girls that needed a little more encouragement.  The feeling at the practice tonight was truly one of "we are a team, and we will do great things together".  I watched them stand with their arms around each other, I heard them quietly encourage each other.  As a parent, I watched them do all the things I want them to do as part of a team, and as good people.  It was amazing.

Then I watched the coaches.  I watched the coaches treat them as the athletes they expect them to be.  They pushed the girls when the needed it, and stood back and let them work through things when they needed that.  They shook their heads when it wasn't right (and made them do it again), and yelled praise when the girls hit their skill.  At the end of practice, I watched the girls gather for their end of practice huddle.  While I couldn't hear the whole pep talk, what I did hear made me even more proud to be part of the Black Widow family.  The girls were reminded it was ok to feel stress, to be scared to do something, but that they needed to have a plan to work through that fear and get through the stress.  They were reminded that their goal right now was to show progress at each practice, and to trust the coaches, the team and themselves.  If they can do that, the season will be a successful one.

As a parent, what more could I ask for?  We have found a sport that munchkin loves, and that teaches her the importance of team work, goal setting and determination.  And even better, we have found a place for her to excel at her sport that feels like a family.  The coaches encourage, push, challenge and support their athletes every practice.  They teach them lessons that extend far beyond the gym. It is truly a fantastic thing to witness.

So if you ever see a social media post where I use the hashtag #BWFamily, know that I mean it. And if you follow me on social media, you know that there will be *a few* more posts about cheerleading in coming months.  You have been warned   :-)