Well the title says it all...I truly dislike November 8th. I have tried to do things that make me happy on that day to try and get rid of my distaste for it, but it hasn't worked. November should be a good month - it's my birthday month, the month before Christmas and the weather usually cooperates. It's also the month that I was officially diagnosed with Breast Cancer.
Three years. It's been three years since my roller coaster started; three years since I've felt carefree; three years since I've gone to a doctors appointment and not had a panic attack about what they will say; three years since I've had a weird pain and not worried that it was more than just a normal ache; three years sine I've felt settled and comfortable in my skin; three years since I've felt like me.
But here is the kicker - my roller coaster has not just been about my cancer diagnosis. That was just the day that kicked off this three years of weirdness. It feels like once every year, something happens that makes all the anxiety I feel about my health bubble up again. In three years I've had the big C (surgery and chemo), a craniotomy to have a brain tumor removed, a ruptured brain aneurysm and the discovery of a second aneurysm I have to have dealt with. I actually had a doctor say "Wow you've had alot of things in a short time that could have been tragic"...ya thanks doc!!
The aneuryms were the most recent, and oddly the most difficult for me. Harder than surgeries, harder than chemo, harder than the fog they have both created. Why you ask?? Because it was completely unexpected. It caught us all off guard - and all my fears and panic over the last three years came to a head. It was something that we couldn't plan for and we couldn't talk about the outcome of. It scared the shit out of me (and those around me I'm told). If you are wondering how you know if you have a brain bleed, trust me you will know. It felt like a major league slugger wound up and hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. And then I remember little - except having to be in the hospital for 20 days for observation. Was the least fun experience I have ever had.
So now I have to try not to have my anxiety sky rocket every time I have a pain in my head, or a panic attack every time I feel like I just can't do anything else cause I'm so tired. And I now have to actually admit that alot has happened and the time I need to recuperate cannot be measured. My body and my brain still have days where they are like NOPE...not doing anything productive today; they have days where they are angry (I don't know if that is an official medical term but the neuro guys used it often to describe my brain). Days where I literally could sleep or zone out for 12 hours straight. That may not be practical, but I'm learning that if I don't listen to what my body and head tell me, the following days are not very much fun.
So here is my plan. I have recently re-discovered my love for crafting so I will spend more time in my craft room because it calms me. I will not sweat the small stuff. I will try REALLY hard to keep my anxiety in check and not let it define me - but I will not suppress it if it does come. I will continue to try and focus on the things that are really important...family, friends and trying to smile every day. And on the days when I can't feel like I can function, I won't. I will curl up with a book or a movie, or just crawl into my bed and sleep. And I will not feel one ounce of guilt doing it, nor will I feel like I need to explain it to people. This is no one's roller coaster but mine (although I appreciate those that come along for the ride with me LOL).
November 8th will still bear the brunt of my hate cause it was the start of the craziness - plus I don't want to have to hate more than one day a year. But on November 9th I'll pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other - unless I'm tired then you will find me napping :-)
As an aside, please don't feel sorry for me. I have a ton in my life that I am grateful for. A husband who didn't ask for the crazy, but has been through it all with me and continues to make me laugh; kids who are happy and healthy and who are becoming more amazing young ladies with every day that passes; family that literally drops everything when they get a call that we need help and that help hold me together when I need it; friends that I honestly consider family and could not do without. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have so many good people in my life, but I will hold tightly to every one of them and work to never take them for granted. My life is good but just has a few speedbumps along the way. But that's ok - it keeps life interesting. But if the universe is listening, I'd really like a boring life for a little while please.
Take care all....
J
