What a week!

This week has already been an eventful one.  I sent my oldest off on an amazing adventure (for the record I already miss her like crazy).  She is gone to do summer school in Ireland - we figured if she was choosing to reach ahead and get her Grade 12 English credit, she might as well do it in Ireland :-)

Sending her through security at the airport was hard, but at her request I did not cry.  I watched her walk through with confidence and chatting with the friends she had just met, and all I felt was pride.  Man this girl has come far...from the kid who I worried about constantly to this young woman who is tackling everything she has to head on.  I can't wait to hear all her stories when she is back in August!

Now for the part that I'm starting to freak out about - surgery is Thursday.  It has really been surreal up until now.  I never really processed that they were going to open my skull and remove something from my brain.  Even saying "brain surgery" was something I could not do with ease.

People have been asking me how I am doing.  I have been answering them honestly with "I'm fine; it will all be ok" - I really am fine.  I have felt calm about it all, and trust that the docs know what they are doing.  But this morning it really hit me.  It is taking everything in me to keep the panic at bay - lots of deep breaths and "you got this" mutterings in my head.  I am staying in control cause, to be honest, I'm afraid that once I really start to process it I will get completely overwhelmed.

I do believe that everything will be fine - I'm in the best hands I can be in.  I've been told what the recovery is like, and it doesn't sound too bad.  And I'm keeping a positive attitude because I believe that it helps.  And I have LOTS of support around me.  So really I am fine - but truth be told I am scared shitless about tomorrow.  Today is the first day the emotion of it all is sitting right under the surface - and I'm not sure I can keep it in check the whole day.  I am sure tonight will be a sleepless one, and I will likely lose it at some point.  If you happen to witness me starting to lose it, just give me a hug.  Or even better do something to make me laugh.  Or just stand beside me and know that I really am ok.  Gonna take more than this to knock me down!!

Will be pretty silent for awhile...talk to you all soon!

Julie